


i'm taking all i have to take, this taking's gonna shape me

by playthetyrants



Series: don't forget to love before you're gone [1]
Category: Cow Chop, The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF, fakechop - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, basically it's an emotional rollercoaster, drugs/alcohol, everyone get over yourselves, minor depictions of violence, my favorite, this is an mpreg fic, we just gotta get there, what do you expect from a Fakechop AU, wow i really shit the bed with this summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-23 00:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 36,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13178721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playthetyrants/pseuds/playthetyrants
Summary: “How did you know that?” Aleks merely held up the test in response, watching as something resembling fear flickered across his face for a moment before he cleared his throat.“That could be anyone’s,” he answered cooly, and Aleks shook his head slowly.“Don’t bullshit me, James,” he spat, and James blinked in surprise at his tone. “It all adds up, doesn’t it? The way you’ve been getting sick in the mornings, and how Joe couldn’t figure it out. It’s almost been two months since that night we got drunk on Halloween, yeah?”James just stared at him in response, still frowning at him. Aleks felt queasy now, his hands trembling as he ran his palms against his legs nervously, shaking his head quicker now.“For God’s sake, why didn’t you tell me?!”(aleks is james' right hand man, and nothing else. things are okay until suddenly they aren't.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends! i'm back on my bullshit yet again!  
> just for the record, this was all Ashley's fault. she put this cursed idea into my head and i spent nearly a month writing this because of it. i don't know whether to hate her or thank her.  
> also, yes, you read that right! it's an mpreg AU! i know that this isn't really some people's cup of tea which is all good, but i'm making it known that i don't go into much detail about it, if that's what you're afraid of. my plot is my main focus!  
> if you're even reading this, thank you. i had so much fun writing this thing, and i worked really really hard on it. let me know what you think! 
> 
> (the title is lyrics from the song "knocked up" by kings of leon, which i listened to probably 100 times while writing this.)

It happened on Halloween, Aleks knows that much.

“It” being the stupid, awful, terrible mistake of...well, of making a mistake.

Literally, making, creating...a mistake.

They were at their peak, or at least a really high point for the time being. Halloween was easy for heists; all they had to do was throw on some masks and raise some hell and boom, they were hundreds of thousands dollars richer. Aleks figures that’s why he’d stayed for so long; the thrill of it all. Being separated from the public eye with only a bulletproof vest and a thin plastic mask covering his face gave him such a rush of adrenaline that he knew couldn’t be found at the bottom of any bottle of booze, or during the high of any sort of drug. Nights like that Halloween made him forget about all the shit he and the rest of the crew went through most of the time; the scrapped missions, the late night drives, the inability to find places to stay at when they had a whole mess of cops on their tail. It wasn’t that they weren’t cautious...well, maybe sometimes they weren’t. But that’s just how James ran the entire operation.

And yeah, maybe he’s another reason why Aleks had stayed for so long. 

He’d stay anywhere for James fucking Wilson.

Aleks knew right from the get go that he’d never met someone who was anything like him, nor would he ever again. They’d met almost 4 years ago, and really, it didn’t feel like 4 years. Aleks felt like he’d sort of been wandering around aimlessly before then. He divided his lifetime into two distinct eras; the one before James, and now the one with him. 

It wasn’t a very memorable meeting; Aleks was in a rundown crack house on the outskirts of Chicago, trapped in a vicious cycle of selling drugs only to turn around and spend it all on even more of it for himself. He had been 21 then, with the mentality that he knew everything there was to know about the world around him, and had refrained from sticking with anyone for too long. Everyone just died, or left, or disappeared. There wasn’t a point.

James had come in that night, along with Joe, Brett and Trevor trailing behind him, laughing so loudly that it had echoed off of the concrete walls. They were all out of breath, after running their way out of the city, arms full of bags filled with money that they had just nabbed from God knows where downtown and, thinking it abandoned, had decided to take refuge in it. 

James saw him first; Aleks had apparently failed miserably at hiding in one of the corners. He’d taken one glance at the heroin needle clutched in his palm before kneeling down in front of Aleks, scanning his face carefully with his big brown eyes as Aleks struggled to stare at him back through his own blown pupils.

“I’m James Wilson, I rob places and kill people for a living. Want a job?” 

Aleks thought it was his high talking when he responded, but upon looking back, it was that smug smile. That goddamn, fucking smile.

“Yes, sir.”

And well, the rest was history.

There were other memorable events, of course; the team acquired Lindsey, Anna and Asher all in the following years to come, and the team had plenty of wild heists as well as some miserable ones. Aleks instantly connected with every single person there, because how were you gonna judge someone who was in a goddamn mob with you? They were all there for the same reason; money, recognition, a sense of belonging…

Well, maybe not for James. That’s why Aleks was there.

James had this air about him that made it almost impossible not to respect him. Everything he did seemed to be for a purpose, every move and every location and every weapon bought and every hostage they took, it all made sense in the grand scheme of things. Aleks remembered staring at him in awe on a few of the first missions they ever went on together because, how could someone be so good at their job? 

They all had their ranks, and they all seemed to fit perfectly. James was the leader, the boss, the one calling the shots. Brett was their weapons expert, the man who taught Aleks everything from breaking a man’s arm to breaking a man’s neck, and how to use just about every single weapon that had been produced in the world thus far. Asher was their sniper, the one who could take out hundreds of people with steady hands and not think anything of it in the morning. Trevor was their bomb expert; Aleks always admired how simple that stuff came to him. He could disarm or arm pretty much any type of bomb in a matter of seconds, and was usually the sole reason most of their heists didn’t go completely under. Joe was their getaway driver and medic, and by God was he good at it. He had this calm demeanor that made it almost impossible to panic when you were around him. He’d fixed every bullet wound, every burn and everything else in between for all of them, making it easy for them to avoid hospitals and their faces out of the general public. Anna and Lindsey were the technical aspect of the group, mousing their way into every sort of camera and mic feed their heist locations had to offer, and walking them through the buildings through their earpieces and walkies. Aleks knew that every time he heard one of the girls speaking, something was either seriously right or seriously wrong.

And Aleks? He wasn’t really sure where he fit into the scheme of things for awhile, until the day James was giving them a rundown on their next mission and called Aleks his “right hand man”. 

And the way that everyone in the group reacted; like it was common knowledge, that it was the most obvious thing in the world that Aleks was James’ fucking right hand man, partner in crime, that was what shocked Aleks the most. 

That was only a few months into Aleks’ time with them, and it spoke volumes. It was around that time that Aleks realized he was seriously beginning to fall for him. 

But James? James didn’t really seem to reciprocate those feelings.

Sure, they fucked around. And James had this weird sort of protective possession over Aleks at times, one that made the group’s eyebrows raise but of course they never said anything about it. Who was going to go against their boss for something as simple as pulling Aleks into his lap at dinnertime? 

Aleks didn’t mind it one bit; fucking around with James was the closest thing he’d ever had to a relationship, and probably the only thing he’d ever get. You couldn’t just date anyone when you killed people and stole things for a living.

So, maybe that’s why Aleks decided to get just a little too drunk on Halloween that night. Just to feel something. To feel like he was in an actual, functioning relationship for once.  
After all, it was the night to play pretend, right?

They’d just finished an exceptionally dirty heist which had involved hijacking an armored car full of cash and making a run for it out of the dirty streets of Philadelphia. It wasn’t hard to lose anyone on their tails when Joe was driving and Asher was shooting, and Aleks was gleefully cheering in the back of the van as soon as the red and blue lights  
vanished.

“We fucking did it!” he exclaimed loudly, holding onto one of the metal backing of Joe’s seat as Asher sat back, pulling off his mask and giving a smug smile.

“Of course we did; I was the one shooting.” Aleks rolled his eyes and turned his head slightly as they took another sharp turn, stumbling forward a bit before glancing down at James, who was lying in the middle of all of the money, his mask still on and his arms spread out, his machine gun resting on his chest. 

“This is a good Halloween, Aleksandr…” he drawled, his voice still silky smooth despite being slightly muffled from the plastic over his mouth. Aleks swallowed a bit, letting go of the seat before getting on his knees and crawling through the thousands of dollars littered on the floor of the truck. 

He doesn’t know why he said it; probably the adrenaline talking. 

“I’m gonna make it even better for you when we get home.”

Aleks was pretty sure he’d never seen anyone rip off a mask quicker than James did that night. He raised an eyebrow at him, scanning his face with his dark eyes, his curly hair still sprawled out across stacks of hundred dollar bills as Aleks nervously waited for a response. 

“You’d better be ready to put your money where your fucking mouth is, Aleksandr.”

Aleks still thanks God to this day that the back of that truck was dark, or else James would’ve seen the way his face flushed a brighter red than any of the siren lights they had just escaped. 

The girls had stayed and worked from home as usual and were already celebratory drinking by the time they got back, Brett and Trevor arriving a couple minutes later in the team van. The air was absolutely electric, everyone yelling and cheering and pouring drinks faster than they could finish. Aleks was itching to escape to the master bedroom upstairs, the one that James had commandeered when they’d arrived to the drafty, abandoned place the week before. Aleks was taking every cup thrust into his hand and drinking gratefully, the warm buzz tingling in his bloodstream within minutes. James was a few drinks in and getting touchy, and Aleks was absolutely thriving. He tried not to jump at everytime James’ hand ended up on his waist or lower back, or when he’d stumble forward and his face would come inches near Aleks’ own before pulling away again, giving him that crooked, slightly drunken smile. 

At some point, one of them put on music and made their way into the living room, milling about and drunkenly dancing to whatever shitty rap music had been chosen. By this point James’ arm was locked around Aleks’ waist and had been for quite some time now, and Aleks was very much drunk, keeping his cup at his lips and clutching onto James’ shirt for support. 

“Keep it down, we don’t need to draw attention!” James called out loudly, waiting as someone scrambled to turn it down until he gave an approving nod. “That’s better. Don’t stay up too late; we’re moving out in the morning.” There was a slurred sound of everyone agreeing with him before they got back to their badly tuned karaoke session, and James hummed contentedly, his eyes closed as he turned his head.

“Now, Aleksandr…” His breath was hot against his face, tickling his ear slightly and Aleks could almost taste the vodka in his breath. “You made a pretty hefty statement earlier…” 

Aleks swallowed thickly, his hand clutching his plastic cup tightly as James opened his eyes and glanced down, hearing it crackle slightly. 

“Can I have a drink? I’m thirsty.” Aleks’ jaw nearly dropped at the sight of James opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out lazily, staring up at him through his glassy brown eyes, absolutely begging for Aleks to fulfill his wish.

It was goddamn sinful.

It was suddenly as if Aleks’ entire body had become hypersensitive; his arm was trembling as he lifted the plastic cup to James’ mouth, watching his pink lips close themselves around the rim and tilting his head back, swallowing down the rest of the liquor like it was nothing. Aleks literally stopped breathing when he saw his Adam’s apple bob against his skin in his throat. 

James sighed contentedly, his eyes shut again as Aleks set the cup down on the kitchen counter, easily allowing James’ arm to pull him closer, eliminating the rest of the space between them.

“Thank you…” he murmured sweetly, and Aleks’ head was spinning so fast he was afraid he’d vomit. They’d had plenty of drunken encounters before but this, this was different. It was almost ethereal, with James glancing at him through his dark eyelashes, and the way his hands gripped his waist like they were specifically made for his hips. Aleks tilted his head to the side, mind still fuzzy from all of the alcohol as well as seeing James stick his tongue out for him like that.

“You’re welcome,” he managed to say back without slurring, his heart beating almost painfully against his ribcage. James hummed again, still refusing to break eye contact as he reached up to his face, running his index finger slowly down Aleks’ lips, letting it catch and drag slightly on the bottom one. 

“As I said earlier, Aleksandr...are you ready to put your money where your mouth is?” 

Aleks reached up and grabbed ahold of his wrist, his long fingers wrapping around it tightly before he yanked it down from his mouth rather roughly, staring him dead in the eyes.  
“Get upstairs. Now.”

And this...this is where it all went to shit.

Well, not entirely. It was just the result of his next actions that led to everything going to shit. 

Like a domino effect. 

It just...wasn’t supposed to happen. 

He wasn’t supposed to lead James upstairs. He wasn’t supposed to throw him on the bed and lock the door behind him. He wasn’t supposed to get his clothes off, wasn’t supposed to drag his nails across his skin and leave hickeys on his neck and chest, wasn’t supposed to drown in James’ mouth like it was the Mariana Trench. 

No, Aleks should have stopped. He should’ve known he was too far gone to do this, too drunk to remember things that most definitely should not be forgotten.

When Aleks woke up the next morning, it was with a headache that made him feel like he was on death’s doorstep. He groaned loudly, cringing at the noise that came from his own mouth and silently thanked God that James had blacked out all of the windows in his bedroom. He rolled onto his side, his hand lazily making contact with James’ naked back, his skin warm and smooth beneath his fingertips. Aleks could barely make out his figure in the dim lighting, his body curving like rolled hills as he continued to sleep on his side. He reached out and ran a fingertip along it, tracing from the top of his shoulder and down his ribs and waist, all the way to his hips. The touch seemed to do something, and Aleks watched him stir slightly, moving his head slowly, his tangled, messy hair a pleasant sight amongst the pillows. 

“Jesus Christ…” he groaned, shivering a bit before reaching down and grabbing ahold of the comforter and yanking it up over his bare body. Aleks smiled a bit amongst the pounding of his head and managed to lean forward, pressing a kiss to the still exposed skin on the back of his neck.

“Thought you said we were gonna have an early start today?” James arched away slightly, curling in on himself a bit to get away from his lips.

“Watch your mouth,” he spat out, getting Aleks to shut up quickly. “You don’t get to make comments like that, do you understand? I’m still above you.” Aleks blanched, pulling away quickly and sitting up, his head throbbing painfully from the effort. James stayed with his back turned for a moment, a tense silence falling in between them as Aleks silently pondered what exactly he had done wrong. His stomach lurched as he saw James begin to move, watching him slowly turn to lay on his back, glancing up at him before grinning. 

“Just kidding. Don’t look so scared, Aleksandr.” Aleks groaned and swatted at his bare arm, getting a giggle from James as he half heartedly tried to dodge it in his still hungover state. 

“You’re such a fucking dick, you know that?” James wrinkled his nose fondly at him in response, pushing his comforter off his bare chest. 

“How else am I supposed to keep my crew in check?” he teased, and Aleks couldn’t help but smile in return as James sat up and yawned, rubbing his eyes before taking his hair out of its bun, letting it fall down his neck and shoulders. 

“You don’t even have to try. We all listen anyway…” Aleks murmured, watching James’ long fingers pass through his tangled curls in a half hearted attempt to comb through it before he began to gather it up again, meeting Aleks’ eyes with his own. 

“You do. You’d follow me anywhere.” Aleks felt his heart leap somewhere into his throat, trying not to blush as James finished tying up his bun with ease. “The others? They’re a bit harder at times, but I think they’re just stubborn. Speaking of the others, I bet you $10 they’re all still passed out from last night.” Aleks watched him climb out of bed, still barely able to make out his silhouette in the dim lighting but nonetheless admired him as he got dressed, watching him find his clothes that had been thrown around the room during last night’s events. 

“$10 huh? Big spender.” James turned and flashed him a grin, finishing pulling a grey t-shirt over his head. He walked over and placed his hands on the mattress, leaning forward slightly before pressing a kiss to Aleks’ forehead. 

“For you? $11.” He smiled again and stood back up, turning and walking towards the door. “Get dressed and get your stuff packed, I wanna be out in half an hour. I’ll go wake the rest of the lazy asses up,” he called out behind him as he walked out, closing the door behind him. 

And...that’s how it was, all the time. They never sat down and talked about what they were, or what they were doing. They just...fucked around. And that was that.

He pushed away the sudden nausea feeling that had taken over him before finally getting out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he clambered around trying to find his clothes. He could hear James obnoxiously yelling in the living room, along with a collective noise of moans and groans in response and he cracked a smile. He didn’t have much to gather; Aleks didn’t really own much to begin with. He walked across the room and picked up his backpack off the floor, shoving in the rest of the clothes he owned into it before opening the front pouch, reaching inside and making contact with a cold, silver chain. He ran his fingers down the little bumps and felt for the tiny locket that was connected to it and immediately felt better, squeezing it gently before letting it go and zipping up his bag again. 

That was the only thing he’d ever consistently keep up with; his mom’s necklace. He’d had it since she had died when he was a kid, and for as long as he could remember he’d never gone anywhere without it. He’d thought it childish for so long; carrying around a heart shaped locket with him hadn’t exactly earned him a lot of friends in grade school.

Still, regardless of the teasing he got for it, he never stopped shoving it into his backpack everyday before school, or tucking it in his pocket when he needed an extra burst of courage. 

He hadn’t told anyone in the crew about it until about last year or so, after a particularly nasty heist that they’d all barely managed to escape from. Aleks had leapt into the van just in time for it to speed off, immediately shoved his hand into his pocket and realized it wasn’t there. He’d been on a verge of a literal panic attack before James had clambered across the seats, tossing his strapped gun onto his back before reaching him and holding out his gloved hand, revealing the small necklace sitting in his palm.

“You’re lucky I saw it fall from your pocket, I would’ve missed it had the light not shone on it.” He deposited it into Aleks’ trembling hand, furrowing his eyebrows slightly as Aleks immediately brought it to his chest, finally taking in the way all of the color had drained from his face. “Are you okay?” James’ voice was being drowned out by both the rushing of blood in his ears and the sound of the fading sirens outside, and a sudden sharp turn on Joe’s part knocked him into the window to his side and he momentarily snapped out of it. He met James’ eyes and swallowed thickly, opening his mouth to say something but his labored breathing coming out instead.

So, yeah, maybe that was also the first time he had a panic attack in front of James, too. 

Aleks often thought about all of the intimate things he had shared with James and wondered idly why James still treated him like a hookup. He’d felt stuck in this hookup phase for the better part of his time here, and every time he felt like he was about to leave it, James would do or say something that brought him right back there. Aleks felt like it was on purpose most of the time; and, in all honestly, it probably was, but that didn’t stop him from keeping that tiny bit of hope in the back of his brain that it all might be true, that someday they might be able to be together, in some sort of eventful twist of fate. 

He supposes he got what he wished for, on that drunk, blurry, hazy Halloween night.

Aleks gathered the rest of what little things he had before walking out of the room, carrying the comforter from the bed so he’d have something to sleep on in the van. They had a long trip ahead of them, and this headache showed no intent of stopping. He could hear James still being obnoxiously loud just to be a dick and he cracked a smile before making his way downstairs and into the kitchen, where Asher was sitting in one of the chairs with his entire torso and head facedown on the table, probably asleep but possibly dead. 

Trevor was in the chair next to him, his head resting in his palm as he leaned against the tabletop, sleepily looking up at Aleks and giving a halfhearted wave with his free hand before dropping it back down, yawning. Aleks smirked a bit, waving back before retrieving a bottle of water and chugging it down quickly, leaning against the kitchen counter as he heard the all too familiar sound of Brett and James bickering with each other in the living room over the route to their new location and watched as Lindsey, Anna and Joe all walked in sluggishly, wearing their backpacks and carrying blankets just as Aleks did.

It was moments like these, familial moments that made Aleks feel like he’d made the right decision running away from home all those years ago. Because despite struggling for a couple years, he’d ended up being okay. 

He ended up actually belonging somewhere.

Half an hour later they’d finally managed to pack up their things, as well as all the money from the previous night before they all clambered into the van. The armored truck had been destroyed as soon as they’d gotten home last night, and Aleks watched from out his window as the still smoking pile of twisted, charred metal grew smaller in the distance as they drove off. Joe had agreed to drive for the first couple of hours, as he was probably the one in the most suitable shape to do so. Brett had taken the passenger seat, Lindsey, Anna and Asher the back, and Aleks, Trevor and James in the middle. Aleks was pretty sure the girls and Asher had been unconscious before the van even left, while Trevor was slowly but surely dozing off at the end of the row. Brett’s face was in his palm and he was struggling to stay awake, despite the bumps in the road that Joe kept hitting.

James was in the middle, on Aleks’ left and seemed pretty awake despite the night before. He turned his head and smirked slightly at Aleks, glancing at the way their comforter was wrapped around his body. 

“Comfy?” he asked, grinning at the disgruntled look Aleks shot him before he curled up against the door.

“Very much so. Now, I’d like to sleep, if you don’t mind,” he retorted, turning his head to rest against the window before James hummed a bit.

“Fair enough. You did seem to wear yourself out last night,” he replied, turning his head to stare cooly out the windshield. Aleks stiffened up a bit, recalling last night’s events in a blurry sort of haze before keeping his face towards the window, feeling his cheeks flush.

“If I recall correctly, you were worse off than me.” He heard James laugh softly at his side, then felt his hand reach over to rest on his thigh.

“You’re the only person who knows how to wear me out, Aleksandr.” 

And yeah, maybe Aleks wasn’t able to fall asleep like he wanted to that day. 

Once they got to their targeted town a couple states over, they fell back into routine. They usually laid low for a couple months and lived off the money they had left over in between heists, especially after a big one like that. 

At some point, though, James always found a bank, somewhere remote and low key and otherwise undetectable, and all of them sent money back home to their families. 

Aleks had his dad; he sent a good amount of money 3 to 4 times a year back home that was sure to have him well off for many years to come. Everyone had at least one person they sent money to back home, some had multiple. The amounts varied; if they had a dry streak of failed heists or lack of action, it was small. After that Halloween, they’d all felt a bit charitable and gone a bit overboard. 

James had his mom he sent money to; one of Aleks’ fondest memories of James was one night after they’d both gotten high and he’d spent a good hour gushing over his mom and everything he loved about her, which was a whole lot. Aleks had listened in blissful silence, the two of them drowning in the huge bed they’d taken to sharing together as James painted pictures of childhood memories and days from long ago that they’d never get back. 

They drained their accounts and left themselves enough to live off of for a couple months; James thought it best to lay low under the radar for awhile. November passed by in a blur of different cities and different states, as well as most of December. Aleks was yet again caught up in the storm that was James and their “relationship” or lack thereof, and everything was a mess but it was a comfortable mess, a normal mess that he was used to.

And then James started getting sick. 

It was weird because James never got sick. Aleks couldn’t recall a time he’d ever seen him sick at all; the man didn’t even puke when he was hungover. 

Aleks woke up one cold morning in December to find the left side of the bed empty. They were somewhere up north; Mother Nature had decided to deposit a fair amount of snow the night before and the morning light was almost blinding through the window. Aleks had sat up and squinted around, taking in the room around him before he heard loud coughing coming from the bathroom, followed by gagging and then someone throwing up. Aleks’ stomach churned as he pushed off the comforter and leapt out of bed, rushing to the source of the noise. 

“Get out, Aleksandr,” James snapped as soon as the door opened, his voice echoing amongst the cold tiles. Aleks took in the sight for a moment; James on his knees in front of the toilet, his head bent over it, one hand on the tile floor and one gripping the seat. His hair had been hastily pulled back into a messy bun on the back of his head, curls falling out at every angle as he coughed again, throwing up some more. 

“Jesus Christ, what happened?” Aleks knelt down beside him and James scoffed in response, lifting his head up slightly.

“Hell if I know. I woke up and felt like my entire stomach was coming up and out of my throat, so I ran in here and barely made it.” Aleks frowned, reaching out and pressing his palm against his forehead, making contact with his clammy skin. 

“Do you want me to get Joe?” he asked hesitantly, and James shook his head, lifting his face up to finally meet Aleks’ eyes.

“I’m fine...probably just ate something bad.” Aleks dropped his hand and watched him carefully, taking in the way he struggled to stand up and clambered his way to the sink to rinse out his mouth. 

“You don’t look fine.” Aleks pushed himself up to stand and walked to the vanity, standing to his side and watching him spit into the sink. “Just go lay back down and I’ll bring you some water and medicine and you can sleep this off…” James lifted his head and shot him a dark look from the mirror, making it clear there was nothing in the world he’d rather not do than that. Aleks merely shrugged in response, watching him wipe off his mouth with a towel from the floor. 

It was 5 days before Christmas, and their next huge heist was planned for the holiday. Aleks could tell James had been getting antsy in the recent week; they’d not pulled off anything like this since Halloween, and it drove him insane to lay low for such a long time. They’d basically done nothing but traveled since then, and he was itching to get something done again. He’d planned the entire thing out over and over until the crew had it memorized like the back of their own hands, leaving little room for error or for anything to go wrong. Now was just the waiting game, and that was the worst part.

“I said I’m fine,” he repeated again, a bit louder this time as he turned on his heel and faced Aleks directly now. He crossed his arms stubbornly over his chest and set his jaw in a defiant sort of way, and Aleks couldn’t help but crack a smile, glancing over his still pale facade and mess of a bun on his head. 

“You know all we’re doing is waiting for the next few days. This is actually the perfect time to stay in bed and rest...you’re not going to miss out on anything.” James stayed silent, still staring at him with slightly narrowed eyes, taking in his words. Aleks waited a moment before reaching out and placing his pale fingers on his tattooed arm, pulling it gently away from his chest. He watched James’ physique began to crumble slightly, giving into his touch and slouching forward a bit. Aleks took his other hand and pulled down his other arm, sliding his fingers down his skin delicately to reach his wrist, squeezing them gently. “You know I’m right.”

James rolled his eyes and Aleks grinned, watching him silently admit defeat. “Whatever, dude,” He scoffed, but still letting Aleks play with his hands. “I need all my strength for this heist, that’s why I’m sleeping.” Aleks raised his eyebrows and gave a nod, trying to hide his smile. James shot him another nasty look before pulling his hands away and stomping out childishly, making his way back to their bed. He climbed in and immediately curled up in the middle of the mattress, yanking the comforter over his head before calling out in a slightly muffled voice. “Turn the heat up while you’re out getting me water, it’s fucking freezing.” Aleks smirked and watched him in the doorway for a moment, taking in his childlike form beneath the blankets before walking out and following his instructions. 

They spent the rest of the day curled up in bed together, talking about God knows what and dozing off and on for hours. Aleks thought he was fine.

And then, he got sick the next morning. 

And the one after that.

And the one after that.

By Christmas Eve Aleks was a nervous wreck, anxiously bouncing back and forth on his feet as he stood outside the bathroom door yet again and listened to James throwing up on the other side.

“Look, I’m going to get Joe because this is fucking ridiculous. This should’ve stopped days ago, it’s not food poisoning or a stomach bug, it’s something else.” James merely gagged in response, coughing up more into the toilet and Aleks groaned in exasperation, not even waiting for him to speak before rushing out of the room. 

He managed to fill Joe in on everything in the time it took to retrieve him from his spot in the living room and take him to their bathroom, where James was sat up against the shower door, his eyes closed and his head resting on the glass, looking pale and clammy and otherwise very much sick. He lifted the collar of his black t-shirt and wiped at his mouth, stretching out his sweatpant covered legs onto the floor in front of him as Joe frowned at him, tilting his head to the side.

“Jesus James, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Aleks shot him an “I told you so” kind of look and James merely glared at him, the two of them having some sort of silent bickering battle as Joe knelt down at his friend’s side and scanned his face carefully. “Come on, let’s go downstairs to the basement and we’ll get you checked out. Aleks, everyone’s waiting for you down there.” Aleks groaned loudly, rubbing at his eyes. He’d forgotten he’d planned on going out with everyone for Christmas Eve.

“Well, I don’t have to go. James is sick…” James shook his head quickly, letting Joe help him stand before he draped an arm over his shoulders.

“I’m fine, you moron. Joe’s gonna fix me right up. You go out and have a good time, alright? See the city before we have to flee it tomorrow night.” Joe smiled at that, turning to meet his best friend’s eye for a moment before making his way towards the door.

“He’s right, Aleks. He’ll be fine when you get back, I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to him.” Aleks watched them carefully for a moment, his foot still bouncing nervously against the floor before sighing in defeat. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, slumping forward slightly as he watched the duo walk out, their voices trailing audibly behind them. Joe had been around since the very beginning, as far as Aleks knew. The two had grown up together in Pennsylvania and decided to start this endeavour of theirs at a young age. They’d accumulated many people over the years, and Aleks knew James cared about every single one of them, but there was just something about that bond between him and Joe that could never be replicated. 

Aleks reluctantly threw on some proper clothes before making his way downstairs, immediately being enveloped in hugs by the girls, who were eager to get out of the house and partake in whatever Christmas fun they could before they had to bolt the following day. Asher, Trevor and Brett all looked just as eager to go as Aleks felt, and somehow they all managed to make their way outside and into the van. 

Aleks will admit, that Christmas Eve was memorable. They went into town and attempted ice skating, which they all found they were horrible at. Lindsey and Anna dragged them to a sort of festival, complete with gaudy Christmas lights and 20 foot trees and loads of people. Aleks felt comfortable blending in with everyone, still keeping his face down everytime they passed a cop. It was more of an instinct now, but...better safe than sorry. 

They ended up in a bakery at some point, and spent probably a little too much on candy and cookies than they’d liked to admit. By the time they left, it was dark outside and Aleks was happily worn out but eager to get home to James.

As soon as they walked in Aleks was hit with the smell of food, and his stomach immediately growled. He wasn’t the only one that was surprised; the entire group stopped dead in their tracks in the doorway and inhaled, Lindsey breaking the silence after a moment. 

“Who the hell has been cooking?” Aleks swears his knees nearly gave out as he watched James round the corner, sporting a gaudy looking red cooking apron and grinning stupidly.

“Me! Well, me and Joe. But mostly me. Are you guys hungry?” There was an explosion of laughter around him as everyone made their way inside, elbowing their way around Aleks, who was still frozen to the spot. James allowed the shower of teasing to come, watching them all walk past him to greet Joe in the kitchen before he met Aleks’ eyes, wiggling his eyebrows slightly. “What? Something I said?” he mused, and Aleks cracked a smile, shaking his head slowly. 

“No, no...it’s the apron. How do you look so goddamn good in something as awful as that?” James smirked and walked over, shrugging a bit.

“It’s a curse.” His hair was down, his dark curls falling past his shoulders and Aleks could feel his heart racing, very conscious of the way James was reaching out to brush at his hair delicately.

“There’s some snow there…” he murmured, taking a moment to pull it out before smiling again. “And yes, before you ask, I’m fine. I don’t have a virus, I’m not dying, Joe thinks it’s just some weird stomach flu. You can stop worrying, mmm?” Aleks felt his cheeks flush, clutching tightly on the bag in his hand as James let his fingers linger just a little too long over the skin on his face, his fingertips almost featherlike against it. “Are those for me?” He reached down and snatched the bag up playfully before Aleks could even reach, pulling it up and peeking inside. Aleks watched in a sort of haze as James hummed contentedly, glancing up to meet his eyes again, 

“This is gonna go great with dinner,” he added, and Aleks bit back another smile, watching as he turned on his heel and beckoned for him to follow him to the kitchen.

Joe and James had absolutely outdone themselves with the food; Aleks was pretty sure he hadn’t had a meal this big since he was a kid. Aleks doesn’t really remember specifics, but there’s snippets; the sight of Trevor with mashed potatoes on his face from Asher “accidentally” flinging them at him, Lindsey and Anna attempting to sneak food off of Brett’s place when he wasn’t looking, Joe’s loud laughter being heard amongst the chaos, and James’ always present arm around Aleks’ waist at the dinner table, keeping contact with him every chance he got. 

Aleks didn’t think he stopped smiling the entire time, leaning into James’ gentle touches on his back and laughing along with everyone else as the night went on, that Christmas Eve dinner seeming to last hours.

Aleks wishes it would’ve lasted forever. 

James eventually got them all to retire to bed, insisting they needed their rest for tomorrow’s activities. He had them all recite their part of the plan tomorrow, listening with his eyes closed and Aleks halfway in his lap, his arm still wrapped around his waist as they all perfectly recalled their jobs, earning themselves a nod from James before they were dismissed. 

Aleks watched them all leave before turning his head slightly, his side profile facing James. 

“I’m gonna miss this house...it was the first decent one we’d found in awhile.” James hummed in response, his thumb rubbing gentle circles into his lower back.

“I’ll find us an even better one when we leave, one with a big bedroom and big bed just for me and you.” Aleks smiled, feeling him press a kiss to his shoulder gently before standing up and hoisting Aleks up in one swift move, tossing him over his shoulder. 

“James, quit it!” He couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped his lips as James merely ignored him, keeping him perfectly balanced on his shoulder as he made his way out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom. 

“Will you shut up, Aleksandr? People are trying to sleep.” This sent Aleks into a fit of giggles and he had to muffle himself with James’ shirt, pressing his face into his back as he was carried to the bedroom. 

Christmas Eve night was filled with gentle kisses and soft caresses and giggling beneath blankets.

The calm before the storm.

Aleks still isn’t sure what went wrong, exactly. 

Everyone seemed to wake up before their alarms the next morning, the tension and excitement palpable amongst the house. When Aleks woke up James was already gone from bed, his stuff nowhere to be found and surely packed in his bag somewhere downstairs, ready to go. 

Anna and Lindsey had everything ready to go inside the house, triple checking everyone’s walkies before they left. Aleks caught Lindsey’s eye and they exchanged a look of silent excitement, Lindsey placing his walkie and earpiece into his palm.

James was calm as ever, of course; he leaned against the wall in the kitchen, his hair pulled up and his arms crossed over his bulletproof vest, watching everyone collect themselves together. His pistol was already strapped to his side, his black gloves fitted over his large hands and long fingers and Aleks couldn’t picture a better person to be in charge.

Once everyone had been personally checked over and deemed fit to go, James left his spot against the wall and leaned against the kitchen table, glancing over each of them carefully for a moment before speaking.

“This is going to go fine. You all know what to do, we’ve been over this plenty of times. Go in there, do your part, and wait for the signal to leave, alright?” There was a chorus of agreement noises, and Aleks felt his face heat up as James’ eyes lingered a second too long on his own eyes before breaking away and looking at everyone else. 

“Let’s go in there, and give ourselves the Christmas we deserve.”

He should’ve said more. They all should’ve said more. 

Nothing felt weird about it at the time. They made their way into town, relishing in the way the roads were deserted because of the holiday. Aleks kept silent, gazing out the window with his gun in his lap as Joe reached their destination. The bank was tall and elegant looking, adorned with red and green tinsel around the white marble pillars as he drove past the front, finding their designated spot in the back. James was already on his feet, hunched over in the middle as he stood and glanced at everyone around him. 

“Quick and easy. The alarm system’s been shut off, and it’s a holiday, so we shouldn’t have to worry about anyone in there. Take caution as always, keep your guns drawn, and get out as quick as possible. Understood?” Aleks found himself nodding along with the rest of the men in the van before the door was flung open and they all filed out, one by one, not knowing what was about to happen. The door shut behind them, and Aleks heard the vehicle disappear into the distance momentarily before they leapt into action.

Lindsey’s calm voice informed them that it was safe to go inside, and inside they went. 

Aleks wishes he could go back. If someday, by some sort of chance there are time machines in the future he knows exactly which moment he would go back to, knows what he’d use that beautiful technology for. 

He just...he should’ve seen him coming.

Bypassing the systems were easy. They were inside the main vaults within a few minutes, all of them eagerly stuffing their duffel bags full of cash before Lindsey’s anxious voice greeted them over their earpieces.

“Guys, get out of there. We’ve got someone unlocking the door in the front, probably the owner. Grab your things and get out.” Aleks didn’t need to be told twice; he hastily zipped his bag up and threw it over his shoulder before grabbing his gun and rushing towards the door, the rest of the men following suit with James coming from behind.  
They made their way down the hallways and towards the back as James whispered into his mic. 

“Joe, meet us in the back, we’re ready.” There was a slight crackling, followed by Joe’s ever calm voice.

“Already on it, ready when you are.” Aleks reached the back door and began to push it open when he heard a gunshot go off, ducking just in time to see a bullet ricochet off of the metal and bounce behind him. Everyone turned their heads at once, looking behind them to see the source of the shot and then suddenly James was yelling at them to go, grabbing his pistol and beginning to shoot. Aleks hastily pushed the door open, running outside and squinting in the bright morning light, dazing him for a second. He heard Lindsey’s now panicked voice in his earpiece now, his ears still ringing from the gunshots he could hear going on inside. 

“They’ve got your surrounded, they came out of nowhere! Start shooting and just get to the fucking van!” Aleks somehow managed to get his pistol ready, lifting his head as he saw police officers, heavily armored and guns drawn began to flood their way around the sides of the building. Aleks began shooting, not caring who he was killing, not caring about the way he was murdering them on Christmas day. 

He aimed for the head; they weren’t stupid, they came with vests on. Man after man he mowed down, listening as Brett, Trevor and Asher all did the same. He had no idea if James was still inside or not, but he knew he couldn’t let his mind wander. They thinned out the crowd within minutes, a ringing silence filling the air for a brief second until Aleks could hear the faint sound of sirens coming their way. 

“Get the fuck in the van!” James’ loud voice carried out from behind him, and he whipped around just in time to see him running outside, his hair disheveled and his gun drawn, making a beeline for the van. Aleks turned and made eye contact with it, seeing the rest of the boys already bolting for it before he followed suit. He was almost there when he heard Lindsey begin to scream again.

“ALEKS! BEHIND YOU!” He anticipated the gunshot behind him and immediately ducked, nearly throwing himself onto the ground as the bullet whizzed over his head. He turned just in time to see the officer lower his gun before aiming for his head and taking a direct shot, watching him fly back into the ground with a thump. Aleks swallowed thickly, trying to catch his breath before standing back up again and starting to run before freezing in place. 

There was so much blood, he remembers that much. It was all over the side of the van, on the concrete, pools of it just gathering like it had nowhere to go. 

“What happened?! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!” Aleks reached up and yanked his earpiece from his ear, his hand shaking as he did.

James was knelt on the ground beside him, beside Joe, his large hands pressed against the man’s chest, and Aleks could see the blood seeping from between his gloved fingers.

“Joe, look at me. You’re fine, alright? Don’t close your fucking eyes on me, I swear to God…” Aleks couldn’t breathe; it felt as if he’d been the one shot, his lungs failing to take in any air from around him and left him suffocating instead. 

Trevor and Brett were throwing everything into the van as Asher climbed into the driver’s seat, and Brett yanked open the side door before turning to face them.

“We gotta get out of here, get him in the van and we’ll take him to the house.” James seemed frozen in place, staring down at Joe with his mouth slightly agape. “JAMES!” Brett raised his voice angrily and that seemed to snap him out of it, and Aleks managed to tear himself away from his spot in front of them before jumping forward and helping James lift Joe’s body up, trying to ignore the way his shirt was growing steadily damper with blood.

As soon as the door shut Asher was out of there, speeding out of the lot and into the street as fast as he could. The sirens were close now, and he cut a corner last minute as Trevor hastily filled Lindsey and Anna in on what happened. 

“We’re on our way, Joe was hit…” Aleks’ hands were still trembling and he tried to steady them against his thighs, pressing his bloody palms against the fabric of his pants. James was still pressing on Joe’s chest, shaking his head angrily.

“Why did you take off your vest, you idiot?! We were on our way out, Joe! Come ON!” The panic was evident now; Aleks glanced down at Joe’s pale white face, his eyelids fluttering open every few seconds as he struggled to breathe but managed to talk.

“It’s...okay, James...just get...me home...and we…can fix me…” Asher took another sharp turn and Aleks steadied himself from flying into the side door, instead grabbing ahold of Joe’s hand and squeezing it tightly.

“You’re gonna be okay, don’t worry…” James lifted his head up and Aleks met his panicked eyes for a split second, feeling like he’d just had the wind knocked out of him before he turned his attention back to Joe, pressing harder on the wound in a feeble attempt to get the blood to stop. 

They got back to the house in record time; the sirens had all disappeared, but they knew they didn’t have much time before someone caught onto their trail. Aleks threw the door open and they barged inside, Lindsey and Anna already waiting in the basement. Joe had been teaching them about medicine for a few months, but they were nowhere near ready for this, and Aleks thinks that everyone knew that. 

James deposited him down onto the table they’d set up, immediately yanking his bloody shirt over his head. Aleks nearly fainted at the amount of blood that was still gushing from his side, and James immediately blanched, doing the only thing he could and pressing the wound once more. 

“We just...we gotta stop the bleeding…” Aleks could see Joe nod faintly in agreement on the table, and Lindsey was visibly panicked now, bouncing back and forth on her feet as she nervously clenched and unclenched her gloved hands.

“Joe, you gotta tell me what to do here, I don’t know what I’m doing…” Joe lifted his head and began to cough, and Aleks could feel the dread begin to rise in his stomach as he saw more blood escape his mouth. 

“James is right...stop the blood...first…” He let his head fall back against the table limply, giving up on keeping his eyes open. Lindsey frantically reached for some gauze and instructed James to move his hands, cleaning the wound with antiseptic as Anna unraveled the tape, beginning to bind it over his ribcage.

Aleks knew from the moment that the tape began to stain red that it was all over. 

Everyone seemed to catch on at different times; Aleks first, he thinks. Brett, Trevor and Asher next; they fell back slowly towards the basement wall, falling silent and simply allowing the scene to unfold before them. 

Anna was next. She caught sight of the blood seeping through her fingers and slowly began to pull them away, watching a puddle form on the table beside him. 

Lindsey’s panic turned to tears soon after, resting her gloved hands on the table as she stared at Joe from above, unable to say another word.

James was last; actually, Aleks still thinks that James never fully caught on to what was happening. He looked up frantically, scanning everyone’s faces as he hastily pushed his hands back onto Joe’s body, pressing down.

“Anna?! Lindsey?! ANYONE?!” Aleks’ chest was hurting, aching painfully as James leaned forward slightly, urging Joe to open his eyes.

“It’s okay, Joe...wake up, you’re fine, it’s gonna be fine, don’t do this to me, please don’t…” Lindsey and Anna were both crying now, backing up to join the rest of the boys against the wall, leaving Aleks alone at James’ side.

“You’re my best friend, Joe...remember when we promised each other we’d always stay best friends? You told me that when we were kids, I know you remember…” Aleks felt frozen to the spot, his body unable to move as he watched James’ cheeks grow shiny with tears, still pressing down onto the gunshot wound.

“You never, ever broke a promise to me...and you’re not going to now. Just open your eyes…” There was a beat of silence that seemed to drag on for centuries. Aleks watched Joe’s chest rise once more for another shaky breath before it fell, and then finally stayed there. 

The silence was awful. Everyone just stood there, unable to move, unable to say anything. Aleks slowly lifted his eyes away from Joe’s now lifeless body and looked at James instead, and immediately wished he hadn’t. 

He was still poised protectively over his friend, his hands now drenched in crimson liquid, dark skin looking out of place against Joe’s pale torso. His lips were pressed together, like he was holding everything in as his breathing sped up slightly, Aleks watching his chest begin to rise and fall rapidly. He didn’t break eye contact; it was as if he playing a staring contest with a corpse. 

The silence was deafening now, and Aleks knew that no one else was going to break it. Slowly, hesitantly, Aleks reached his hand out to make contact with James’ tattooed arm, his body jolting like he’d just been shocked. 

“Don’t touch me,” he spat icily, and Aleks suddenly felt like he was ten sizes smaller. He dropped his hand, pulling his back to his side as James very slowly began to lift his hands up, another gush of dark blood emitting from his body and onto the table, like his body was giving up, like a signal of defeat. 

James stood there for a moment, glancing down at his own hands like he’d never seen them before in his life. Aleks could almost see the flurry of emotions running across his face like sprinters in a race, like clouds in the sky during a storm. He frowned, furrowing his brow as he did before staring down at Joe’s face once more, his chest still rising and falling with each rapid breath he took. 

There was a horrible silence then, one that made Aleks feel ice cold and frozen. Everyone around him had seemed to stop breathing. 

Aleks watched James lift his head slowly, making direct eye contact with him. Aleks stayed absolutely quiet, watching with a rapidly beating heart as James raised his hand up, pointing a long finger at his face.

“This is all your fucking fault.”

Aleks heard a sharp intake of breath from the people behind him, although he didn’t move at all. He stared directly back into James’ eyes, taking in all of the pain and suffering that was swimming in those big brown eyes. 

James lowered his hand, still glaring daggers at him as Aleks heard Lindsey quietly speak up from behind him.

“James, that’s not f-”

“SHUT UP!” Aleks flinched, closing his eyes at the way James suddenly screamed, listening as Lindsey fell silent in an instant. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath again, and Aleks suddenly felt like he was the one that had been shot instead. 

James took a step forward, his loose hair falling down the side of his face as he grit his teeth.

“Thought you’d mowed all of them down, huh? How do you miss ONE FUCKING PERSON?!” 

Aleks could feel his breath on his face now, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. He knew that he was inches away now, and he gripped his hands at his sides to try and mask his shaking. 

“You couldn’t even do your fucking job properly, and now Joe is dead. He’s dead and he’s not coming back and that’s ALL on you.” James was breathing heavily again, as if he’d just finished running a race. Aleks began to tilt his head down towards the floor but was suddenly met with James’ strong hand on his jaw, grabbing his face and yanking it back up, startling him enough to open his eyes. Aleks swallowed thickly, inhaling sharply as James squeezed his face tighter, his nose inches away from his own.

“Do us all a favor and stay the fuck away from me from now on.” And if Aleks’ chest was hurting by then, it definitely was now. 

James kept a grip on him for a moment longer before dropping his hand in disgust, shoving him to the side by his shoulder and stepping towards the door. Everyone was still silent, watching him walk up the steps before he turned his head slightly.

“Everyone get their shit and throw it in the van. We’re leaving in half an hour, and this place is going down with us. We’re cutting the gas lines and lighting it up as soon as we leave. Understood?” There was a hasty chorus of “yes sirs” and Aleks merely stared at the floor, desperately trying to get his head to stop spinning. James turned on his heel and stalked off again, slamming the door shut behind him as he did.

There was a moment of contemplation on everyone’s part, like they were still processing what James had told them to do. Brett left first after a few moments, Asher and Trevor both on his heels. Anna and Lindsey were slow to go, Lindsey lingering for a moment at Aleks’ side. When he refused to look up, she finally left, walking up the stairs and out the door quietly with Anna behind her. 

Aleks finally unclenched his hands, feeling them ache with all of the unnecessary tension he’d just caused them. He raised one up to his chest and began to knead at his palm with his thumb, lifting his head to feel a cool rush of air against his damp cheeks, finally registering the fact that tears had been shed. 

Great. Now James had the power to make him cry. 

Aleks inhaled slowly, turning his head to face Joe’s lifeless body still on the table. He looked like he was fast asleep, his eyes closed and his arms resting at his sides. His shirt was mostly stained with the crimson liquid from his body, a large puddle of it beginning to drip off the edge of the table. The useless gauze was wadded up at his side, drowning in a pile of its own failed attempts at saving his life, much like Aleks felt right now. 

He took a step towards the table, reaching out and brushing away a lock of dark hair that had fallen into his eyes. His fingertip brushed against his eyelashes, his skin pale and already cold. The warm, familiar heat that Joe had always carried with him was no longer there, and Aleks felt his eyes sting once more. 

He dropped his hand abruptly, as if suddenly realizing that he was touching a dead body. He could hear everyone milling around upstairs, gathering things and getting ready and he reluctantly began his trek to the stairs, keeping his head down as he climbed up and entered.

His jaw bone was still aching from James’ hand and he absentmindedly reached up to rub at it, walking through the living room and to the stairs, making his way to the bedroom. Thankfully, James was nowhere to be found and he quickly went inside, grabbing his backpack and making his way through the bedroom, tossing his things inside like he always did. 

He peered outside the door, glancing across the hall at Joe’s slightly open door, his stomach churning horribly as he saw James’ silhouette moving around in the doorway. He threw his bag over his shoulder and made his way downstairs again, hoping to God that James hadn’t heard his heavy steps. 

He made his way outside, seeing that someone had left the trunk open before tossing his bag inside, watching it collide with the dull fabric with a thud. He could hear the crunch of gravel as people began to approach him on either side, taking their turns to pack their things. Aleks didn’t really register who it was; the numb feeling that had been eating at him since James had screamed at him was finally starting to take over.

James was last to emerge from the house. He had his own bag over his shoulder, with Joe’s medical bag in one hand and his blue blanket in the other. Aleks wanted to cry thinking about how Joe had been sleeping with it just hours before.

No one said a word as James threw his stuff in, slamming the door shut before turning to the crowd.

“The lines are cut?” Trevor nodded a bit, nervously brushing his hair back behind his ear as James turned to glance back at the house. 

“Joe would’ve wanted this, to go out with a bang.” No one responded to his poorly timed and distasteful joke. Aleks watched silently as James grabbed a gas can from the back, walking back towards the house and dumping the liquid on every bit of house he could; the front door, the entryway, leaving trails out of the kitchen and bedrooms. The smell permeated the air as he came back out, dumping the rest of it out in a small line towards the crowd. He tossed the can out towards the bushes to his left, and Aleks finally caught a glimpse of his face, pale skin and slightly puffy eyes. He still had no expression, though, and that’s what scared him the most.

He took a few steps towards where he’d left off the gas trail, and pulled a lighter from his jacket pocket, flicking it on with his thumb.

“Hope everyone said their goodbyes,” he muttered darkly, and Aleks watched him toss the dark blue lighter onto the ground. 

The grass instantly caught flame, all 7 of them watching as the flames followed the path James had carved for them back towards the house and inside the doorway. It enveloped the wooden frame, taking over it like some sort of disease and Aleks tried not to think about how it was moments away from reaching the basement, from reaching Joe’s body, from eliminating him for good. 

He didn’t understand what he’d done to deserve a Christmas this bad. 

The flames got higher and hotter, glass shattering as they broke through bedroom windows. James squinted at the harsh light, the rest of the group edging towards the car as the heat increased dramatically.

“Get in, we’re moving out,” he instructed, and no one wasted time in moving, save for Aleks. He stood in his spot for a moment, watching where people were going. Asher took the driver’s seat, James taking the passenger seat and shutting the door a little too harshly. Brett and Trevor took the middle, and Lindsey and Anna in the back. He inhaled a sigh, glancing up to see Lindsey peering at him through the back window, motioning for him to join her in the back. Aleks obliged, silently thankful that he wasn’t being shunned by everyone. He climbed through the back and maneuvered his way over the seat to sit down on the outer left. Lindsey flashed him a small smile, reaching over and grabbing ahold of his hand for a moment. Aleks was grateful for the touch, silently disappointed when she eventually let go and the van began to move. He turned his head back and watched the house disappear behind him, hoping to God that his path would never bring him back to this town again. 

Aleks really had no idea where they were headed; James kept changing the route as they drove, and eventually he just stopped trying to keep track. They drove through the day and well into the night; Aleks figured they’d probably crossed 2 states. Asher eventually stopped on James’ command, pulling up to a dingy motel with shitty fluorescent lighting, looking like a scene from a movie. 

“Get yourselves rooms and get some rest. We’ll be leaving again at 8 am, give or take. Be ready, understood?” There was a sleepy chorus of agreement before the doors opened and everyone began piling out. Aleks stayed put in the back, letting the girls climb out and waited as everyone made their way to the trunk, chatting quietly and grabbing their things. He lifted his head and caught sight of James still in the passenger seat, staring absentmindedly out the window as they all began their trek towards the office to check in. 

Aleks rubbed at his eyes, holding back a yawn as he realized just how tired he was. He heard the sound of a car door opening and closing, followed by the sound of James’ heavy footsteps as he rounded the van and made it to the trunk. Aleks heard him grab his things and shut the door, before his steps began to fade as he walked towards the motel.  
Aleks took a moment to finally just breathe, letting out a rush of air he felt like he’d been holding since that morning. He let his head flop back onto the headrest behind him, his dirty blonde hair falling into his eyes as he did. His body ached, sore from all of the pent up tension and he desperately tried to calm himself down, stretching his arms slightly. He heard the muted noise of everyone chatting and making their way to their rooms, glancing out the window as he watched Brett take his own room, Trevor and Asher take one, and Lindsey and Anna take one. James was slow to follow, seeming to take his time as he walked across the second floor hallway before unlocking his door and going inside, shutting it behind him. 

Aleks finally gathered up the strength to get out of the van, opening the trunk to take his things. He saw that James had taken Joe’s blanket but had failed at grabbing his actual backpack full of medical supplies, and ended up tossing it over his shoulder for the sake of not wanting to lose all of their medication. He shut the trunk and made his way to the front, silently thanking God that there was still a single room left for himself. He walked past James’ door, avoiding it with his eyes before reaching his own room down the hallway, unlocking it and stepping inside.

It was as nasty and dingy as the outside was, but Aleks knew that staying somewhere nicer and potentially on the radar was out of the question. Plus, judging from the way the front desk worker had been struggling to keep his eyes open and the empty whiskey bottle on the counter, he figured they didn’t have much to worry about here. He tossed both of the bags down on the edge of the bed, making his way to the bathroom before stripping down and getting in the shower, standing under the disappointing lukewarm water for what seemed like hours. 

When he finally emerged, only feeling slightly better, he wrapped himself in one of the towels before stepping back into the bedroom, groaning in annoyance at the sight of both backpacks on the ground and opened on the carpet, their contents scattered about. He silently cursed himself for not being careful with them and setting them in the middle of the mattress instead, leaning down and shoving his clothes into his bag. He quickly changed while he had them out and finished packing it, before bending back down to grab Joe’s. 

He moved his hand across in one swift motion, gathering everything before shoving it back into the bag. His fingers slid across a small cardboard box, the top flap of it open and scraping his skin slightly. He lifted his hand and glanced at it, frowning a bit at the unfamiliar writing. He picked it up and turned it on its side, raising his eyebrows in surprise at the black lettering on the front, confirming it to be a pregnancy test.

“What the hell…” He turned it back upwards and glanced inside, picking up the slim piece of plastic with his fingers. The purple top was on it, signaling that it had already been used and Aleks was very confused now, his mind trying to figure out why this had been in Joe’s possession at all, let alone in the group’s household entirely. He twirled the test in his fingers, flipping it around to squint slightly at the screen on the front before his breath caught in his throat. 

Positive. That was definitely a little black plus sign. 

He frowned deeply, leaning against the back of the mattress as his mind raced, clutching the plastic in his fist tightly. 

And then, suddenly, it all made sense. Aleks physically felt his face drain of color, if that was even possible. 

He scrambled up to his feet before he could even process what he was doing, rushing towards the door and flinging it open. He ran down the hallway, making it to James’ door before banging his fist loudly on it, flaking off old paint as he did. 

He heard James moving from behind the door, his mattress creaking and his footsteps approaching before he gave an audible groan from inside.

“Aleksandr, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get the fuck away from me and go back to your goddamn r-”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?!” 

There was a heavy beat of silence then, one that only lasted a moment but felt like a century. Aleks watched with a furrowed brow as James unlocked and opened his door slightly, revealing himself to stand in the doorway. His hair was down and damp, wearing sweatpants and a grey t-shirt and he stared at Aleks, matching his frown. 

“How did you know that?” Aleks merely held up the test in response, watching as something resembling fear flickered across his face for a moment before he cleared his throat.

“That could be anyone’s,” he answered cooly, and Aleks shook his head slowly. 

“Don’t bullshit me, James,” he spat, and James blinked in surprise at his tone. “It all adds up, doesn’t it? The way you’ve been getting sick in the mornings, and how Joe couldn’t figure it out. It’s almost been two months since that night we got drunk on Halloween, yeah?” James just stared at him in response, still frowning at him. Aleks felt queasy now, his hands trembling as he ran his palms against his legs nervously, shaking his head quicker now. “For God’s sake, why didn’t you tell me?!”

James shushed him quickly, reaching his hand out in an attempt to smack his arm but Aleks dodged slightly to the left, still staring him down as James sighed.

“I found out Christmas Eve, okay? I mean...it doesn’t fucking matter. You would’ve found out eventually, and it’s not even your problem.” Aleks’ eyes widened at that, blinking at him in disbelief.

“What do you mean it’s not my fucking problem?!” James gritted his teeth and reached out again, this time successfully grabbing ahold of his arm and yanking him forward.

“For the love of Christ Aleksandr, will you keep your fucking voice down?!” he hissed, and Aleks silently obliged, squeezing his mouth shut before James let him go after a few seconds, his arm throbbing painfully where his hand had been.

James reached up and rubbed his eyes wearily, his other hand still holding the door slightly open. Aleks watched him run his hand slowly down his face, his fingertips dragging slightly across his skin and through his beard before falling to his side once more, meeting his eyes again. 

“It’s not your problem, Aleks. You’re not the one who has to stay pregnant for 7 more months.” Aleks blinked slowly at that, staring at him with a furrowed brow for a moment.

“What...you mean you’re not getting rid of it?” There was a brief moment where James looked at a loss for words, squinting slightly at Aleks before clearing his throat a bit uneasily.

“Can’t risk going somewhere and getting it done,” he stated simply, and Aleks opened his mouth to respond, then shut it when he realized there was really nothing to say against it. Any hospital would have the police on their doorstep in a matter of hours, no matter how much trouble they took to mask their real identities. James’ frown was even deeper now, if that was possible, tilting his head down to stare at the ground. 

It was a weird moment. Aleks vaguely remembered the bruises left on his jawline from James’ very strong fingers hours before, and the yelling and screaming that ensued. He remembered the way he’d looked at him, tears in his eyes and blatantly told him that it was HIS fault that Joe was dead, that it was HIS fault they were down to 7 people now. 

But he also remembered Christmas Eve, and the way James had held him in his lap at dinnertime and the way they’d laid in bed together that night, and the way James had given him a new silver chain for his mom’s locket in the middle of the night and the way he’d kissed him. Why hadn’t he just told him then? Why was this some sort of fucking sick joke that Aleks was being left out of?

Aleks glanced wearily at James’ bowed head, studying the way his curls were now falling well past his shoulders. He chewed on his bottom lip, bringing his arms up to cross them over his chest before letting out a long breath.

“What are you gonna do?” he murmured, and James lifted his head up at that, scanning his face with his big brown eyes incredulously.

“Why does it matter?” Aleks felt his cheeks burn hot with anger at his passive voice.

“Are you fucking serious right now? Unless I’m missing something, I’m pretty fucking positive that half of that baby inside of you is mine.” James immediately rolled his eyes, letting out an exasperated groan.

“No shit, moron. Who else’s would it be?” Aleks merely stared back at him, causing James to rub his eyes wearily with his palms, groaning in annoyance again before dropping his hands. “Okay, whatever. Look, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll just...have the kid, and give it away. Find some rich fucking couple who’ll take it in and it’ll be out of our hands and left in the past. This won’t even matter in a year.” Aleks furrowed his brow at that, his arms still crossed as he stared him down.

“You’re oversimplifying this entire thing.” James’ angry look was beginning to come back, the same one that had met him that morning in the basement. 

“How the fuck would you know? You’re not the one who’s knocked up. All you fucking did was get drunk and forget to use a condom.” Aleks glared at him, digging his fingernails into the skin of his arms. 

“Don’t pin this shit on me. We both fucked up that night,” he retorted, and James gave a hollow laugh, shaking his head before tilting it up to stare at the top of the doorway. 

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” Aleks fell silent, watching as he kept his head back for a few moments, as if contemplating what to say before lowering his face again, making eye contact once more. “Nothing is ever your fault, is it? You’re poor, traumatized Aleksandr, the one who's been stumbling around in my shadow since you fucking got here.” Aleks grit his teeth, still managing to keep a straight face as James tilted his head to the side slightly.

“I’m done cleaning up shit for you, do you understand me? You’re fucking useless, you don’t even have a proper title here, and yet you still think you’re God’s fucking gift to us. You’re reckless and arrogant and can’t take responsibility for any fuck up you cause.”

This was pain, real pain, listening to James talk to him like this. He wished desperately for the balcony he was standing on to collapse and put him out of his misery because he knew everything he was saying was true.

James stopped for a moment, taking a breath and squinting slightly at his face, a deep frown on his lips before continuing.

“You’re going to keep your mouth shut about this. I will tell them when I’m ready, and not a moment before then.” Aleks didn’t respond, merely ran his bottom lip across his teeth instead. James tapped his fingers against the side of the door, giving him a slightly weary look before sighing a bit. “Look, I don’t need your help, I can take care of myself. This isn’t going to make me weaker, and I don’t need you thinking you’re gonna be my fucking savior or something. I meant what I said this morning...just stay away from me. I don’t want any of...whatever this is...” he gestured towards Aleks with his hand before continuing. “...anymore. So just...don’t even try. We work together and that’s it, if that. I don’t know if I want you on anymore missions for awhile.” Aleks tried not to wince at his spiteful tone, his own fingers tapping nervously against the sides of his thighs as James finally finished his speech. They stared at each other for a moment, and Aleks felt strangely choked up for a moment, his eyes stinging. James’ eyes flickered slowly across his face, as if taking in his features for one last time before dropping his hand from the door.

“Goodnight, Aleksandr,” he said quietly, turning and pushing the door shut with a soft click, locking it behind him. Aleks felt like he’d just been kicked out of his own home, like James had told him he was going off to war and wasn’t sure if he was going to return. It was like he’d told him goodbye.

Which, he guesses in a way...he did.

That night was a bit of a blur; Aleks dragged himself back to his room and locked the door, feeling like his chest was caving in on himself. It was snowing again, thick and cold and suffocating and Aleks wrapped himself in the shitty comforter, curled up on his side like a child and stared out the dim window, the pink fluorescence from the motel sign still visible through it. 

For a moment, he wondered what his dad was doing right now. He wondered if he’d spent Christmas feeling as alone as Aleks had. 

He rolled onto his back and began to stare at the ceiling, his mind wandering aimlessly as his brain struggled to sort through everything that had been thrown at him in the last 48 hours, specifically James’ behavior on Christmas Eve. What sense had that made? Especially knowing the fact that he was well aware that he was pregnant and hadn’t told Aleks.

Oh, God. 

He was pregnant.

Legitimately, medically fucking expecting a baby.

A baby that he had already set his mind to on having.

James was going to have his baby.

He didn’t sleep the entire night. 

After that night, Aleks felt like he was in a permanent state of pain for...well, months. When they left the next morning it was as if James couldn’t even see him, like Aleks had turned invisible in the middle of the night. James was exceptionally pale faced and slightly sweaty upon leaving, and it pained Aleks to think about that he’d more than likely gotten sick again that morning. 

The rest of the group made no comments; there was really nothing to say. Aleks watched James in the front seat, staring at him as he slept against the window and kept his eyes on the seatbelt that was strapped over his stomach, feeling sick their entire 8 hour drive. 

They ended up in Nevada, of all places. At least it wasn’t snowing anymore. 

Things didn’t change routine wise, really; they never stayed in the same place for more than a couple weeks at a time, and were still only allowed to go out at certain times of the day. The media was still on the hunt for the “terrorist group” that had massacred an entire police fleet on Christmas Day, and Aleks ended up re-bleaching his hair one day just to keep himself safe. He got compliments and teasings and input from everyone except for James, who really was the only opinion that mattered. James didn’t even bat an eyelash at him anymore.

It was strange the first month or so, not being James’ “right hand man” anymore. Dinners were weird; he had his own chair and was forced to stare at James from across the table and gauge no reaction.

Sleeping alone sucked; the first few nights he couldn’t even get comfortable without his warm body at his side to curl up against. 

Existing within the group was even a hassle now. Aleks hadn’t realized how dependent he’d grown on James that he really didn’t even know the people he had worked with for so long anymore. His failed attempts at approaching the rest of the boys grew worse and worse everyday, and the way Anna and Lindsey looked at him made him want to shoot himself in the mouth. They all knew he was choking, and maybe they’d been expecting this. Maybe they’d known all along that Aleks was just a selfish little brat that was stuck to James like glue and they’d been waiting for his downfall for years. He wouldn’t be surprised.

He deserved this. 

James had no desire to plan anymore heists for the time being; staying under the radar was the only thing they could do right now. They still had the money from the Christmas job, and they were all instructed to make it last for awhile. So, of course, they handled it like grown men and women for about a month or so, and then when end of January came and February began, they blew it on a huge fucking party.

Aleks should’ve seen it coming, really. There was only so much you could do, being trapped inside your house and moving towns every couple of weeks with no stability in your life. He understood what it felt like to feel like a ghost in your own life, in absolutely no control of your own circumstances. They all did. 

Aleks had made it to 2018 without dying, which was a success in itself because he’d wanted to shoot himself since Christmas. February was here, and the weather was finally starting to heat up again. He’d heard Brett and Asher discussing what drugs they were going to buy for the night, and the girls were talking to Trevor about alcohol. It hadn’t taken them too terribly long to start talking to Aleks again, mostly because they were trapped in the houses together but Aleks liked to think that they all knew James’ treatment of him wasn’t necessarily excusable and that they were at least somewhat on his side.

Regardless of it all, Aleks had no desire to join them in their antics, even while Brett was tempting him with the many pleasures of cocaine that he’d splurged on so many times before. It wasn’t going to be the same this time; James wouldn’t be with him the entire time, giggling with him at his side and running his fingers along the insides of his gums to douse his mouth with the addictive white substance, their bodies sweaty and blown pupils locked on each other all night long.

Aleks found himself trapped in the basement of their current house that night, sitting on the couch with a plastic red cup full of an awful vodka mixture Lindsey had attempted to make him, silently watching his friends succumbing to the effects of all the things they were taking. He was pretty sure that no one was paying him any attention at this point, after he’d denied taking anything over and over and had only taken half a sip of his drink. 

The music was loud but not terrible, and James hadn’t said a word to them to turn it down so they’d just kept going. Aleks glanced down at his phone and realized it was barely 10, and decided to make his escape while everyone was still happily faded and not completely fucked up.

He slipped his way past everyone’s drunken dancing and made it to the stairs, jogging up quickly and shutting the door behind him, letting out a soft sigh of relief before walking to the kitchen. He crossed over to the sink, dumping his cup down the drain before setting it down on the counter, tapping his fingers against the edge before turning and feeling his breath catch in his throat.

James was standing in the doorway, one hand pressed against the wall to his left, the other holding his water bottle he’d started carrying with him everywhere. Their eyes met briefly, and Aleks felt his stomach drop nervously before he stepped away from the sink, ducking his head down and walking around the side of the table.

The thing with James is that..well, the two quite literally had not spoken since that night in December. The effort this man had taken to blatantly ignore and cut Aleks from his life despite the fact that they lived in the same goddamn house was astounding to him. At first, Aleks had wondered how long this entire thing would last. A few days, a couple weeks at most. Now that several weeks had passed and James had not so much as looked at him until today, he finally began to realize how completely fucked it was. 

James made his way to the sink, turning on the faucet and setting his bottle down in the sink, his hands resting against the counter edge as he waited for it to fill up. Aleks turned slightly as he reached the exit, getting a full side view of him.

He was wearing his grey sweatpants and a long sleeved black shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, revealing his tattooed arms. His hair was pulled up in a messy bun, looking like he’d slept on it a couple times without attempting to redo it.

Aleks let his eyes wander some more, glancing at the way his beard hadn’t been trimmed in awhile before letting them fall down to his torso, nearly choking on his own spit when he saw the small bump that had started to appear where his flat stomach used to be.

And yeah, he probably should’ve been noticing this. It made sense that he was gaining weight, it made sense that he was finally starting to show as it had been almost 4 months since Halloween but Jesus Christ, this was all finally starting to dawn on him.

Aleks was so preoccupied that he didn’t notice James finish with his drink, turning around and blinking at him, furrowing his brow slightly in confusion as he took a drink, starting at Aleks’ shocked face. Aleks finally realized what was going on and cleared his throat awkwardly, darting his eyes back down to the ground before crossing his arms over his chest.

He could still feel James’ gaze on him, though, could still see how his socked feet hadn’t moved from their spot on the tile floor.

“Sorry…” Aleks murmured before he could shut his mouth, silently cursing at himself for saying anything at all. There was a beat of silence, and Aleks could hear the sound of the water bottle popping slightly as James pulled his mouth off and stopped drinking.

“I thought you’d be downstairs.” And God, did James’ voice sound like a rainstorm in the middle of a fucking drought. Aleks pursed his lips slightly, lifting his head up after a moment and meeting James’ eyes, the two of them staring each other down like some sort of showdown before Aleks managed to speak up.

“Wasn’t really feeling up to anything tonight,” he replied simply, and James nodded once, bringing the bottle back to his lips and drinking. The silence somehow seemed heavier now, despite the fact that James had been the one to initiate conversation after all this time, and Aleks watched his Adam’s apple bob slightly as he finished drinking, setting his bottle down on the table before leaning against the back of the sink, and before Aleks could shut up he was talking again.

“How are you doing?” Oh, God. Had he forgotten how to talk to James now? Aleks closed his mouth again, silently wishing they’d just go back to ignoring each other before James merely shrugged a bit in response. 

“I’m alright. Stopped throwing up, so...that’s good.” Aleks swore he saw the flicker of a smile across his lips but it was gone before he could be sure. Aleks nodded slowly, pressing his lips together slightly before his eyes wandered back down to his stomach, swallowing a bit before looking back up to his dark eyes.

“Good,” he murmured softly, his voice fading as he lost all sense of what he was going to and wanted to say.

James watched him almost sadly, tilting his head to the side and Aleks cursed that one piece of goddamn hair that fell from his head as he did that, a small little ringlet that brushed against his shoulder before he spoke.

“We don’t have to do this, Aleks,” he said, and he hated how good it felt to hear him say his name again. Aleks kept silent, merely watching him from across the room as James continued to speak. “I’m doing just fine. Yes, I know I’m starting to show. Yes, I’m taking care of myself. Yes,I know that I still need to tell everyone and it’ll happen soon.” His voice was calm and even and Aleks could feel his heart beginning to pound against his chest, could feel the fact that this conversation was going to end soon and that this contact with James would be lost again for another 5 or 6 weeks or even longer. 

James kept staring at him for a moment, as if debating on saying something else before he leaned forward and grabbed his bottle, standing up straight. “I’m going to sleep, make sure it doesn’t get too crazy downstairs tonight.” Aleks couldn’t even nod in response and James didn’t give him time to, instead beginning to walk around the kitchen table and towards the exit that Aleks was standing beside. He could feel his panic beginning to set in, could feel time slipping away like that vodka he’d poured down the drain earlier.

James was halfway out the doorway when Aleks suddenly reached over, his hand making a grab for his wrist before he wrapped his pale fingers around it tightly. His knuckles were dangerously close to brushing against his belly and that thought alone made Aleks’ head spin and slightly nauseous but he pushed it away anyway, instead lifting his head up to look at him.

James’ face was surprised, his brow furrowed and his lips curved down in a frown, glancing down at Aleks’ hand for a brief moment before they went back to his face, his eyes challenging him to speak. 

Aleks opened and closed his mouth once, swallowing a bit as he wracked his brain for what he wanted to say, exactly. 

“Just...if you need anything, James…” His chest ached as he tasted his name on his tongue again. “...you know I’m here. All you have to do is ask.” What a way with words, Aleks thought bitterly, letting his mouth shut again as he watched James’ face contort with emotion, looking a bit pained at first before going void again, his usual stony look taking back over.

“I’m doing just fine,” he repeated numbly, and before he knew it James had pulled his wrist from Aleks’ grasp and was disappearing up the stairs to his bedroom once more, the door shutting behind him with a noise that seemed to reverberate throughout the entire house. 

Aleks stood there in a numb sort of state, the only noise the faded music coming from the floor below him. He felt even worse than before the small exchange, like he’d seen the light of day for a split second before being sucked back down into the fucking ocean to drown. 

He sighed, rubbing his palms against his eyes wearily before deciding to go upstairs to his own room, bitterly telling himself that the idiots downstairs were more than capable of taking care of themselves. He made his way up the stairs and past James’ closed bedroom door, resisting the sudden urge to bust his way inside, before retreating to his bedroom and shutting the door, deciding that the only comfort he could find right now was in the form of the locket sitting safely inside his backpack pocket.

And, of course, somehow, it got worse for Aleks.

James ended up telling everyone about the pregnancy the very next day; Aleks sat there in silence and felt the confused, slightly judging eyes of everyone in that room upon his face as James explained everything, but insisted that nothing was really going to change. After it had all been said and done, Aleks figured no one was actually THAT surprised it had happened. It was like they were all keeping tally marks of how many times Aleks could fuck up in the past few months alone. 

February passed in a blur; they blew through 2 more cities before March came. Their money was scarce; Aleks could tell by the way everyone had suddenly grown fidgety and restless, even more so than they’d been before. March found them somewhere in Texas, the humid heat a nice change from the cold weather they’d been dealing with up North for so long. 

There was no way for them to ignore James’ bump now; not that anyone besides Aleks was making an effort in ignoring it. By mid March it had become a normalcy, and seeing his shirts pulled tightly over his belly was nothing out of the ordinary. Aleks was both amazed and disgusted at how easily James handled being pregnant; he was still the same boss, albeit a bit more fatigued. He adapted to his weight effortlessly, changing his walk a bit but otherwise staying the same old James; charismatic, loud, stubborn and fearless as ever. 

Aleks really couldn’t fucking stand it. 

James had finally agreed to go on another mission; he figured that almost 3 months with no action was a little much, and everyone jumped to agree with him before even discussing what the heist was. Aleks listened intently as James informed them of a millionaire that lived a few towns away, drowning in all the money he had in his estate that was far off the grid, somewhere remote in the hill country that was easy to get into and hard for the police to swarm. 

The air was nearly buzzing with excitement when the morning of the heist came, and Aleks tried not to focus on the fact that he was the only one that hadn’t been given a proper job to do. James was obviously still weary of letting him do anything that involved with the actual heist, and when he was given the keys to the van that morning he just sucked it up and took them. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but thinking about holding a gun again after Christmas’ events made him feel slightly nauseous. 

Everyone was excitedly chatting away the morning of the mission, going through with their normal routines of getting ready. Lindsey and Anna were on mic check and strapping on everyone’s vests, and Aleks leaned against the wall, fidgeting with his own before he saw James’ silhouette appear in the doorway, making his way downstairs to the basement where they all resided. 

“Are we almost ready to go?” Aleks listen to a chorus of agreement meet him and he watched as James reached the concrete floor, holding a vest of his own out to Anna, who crossed the room and took it from him, reaching around his back to pull it on over his shoulders and begin to strap him in. 

For a moment, Aleks thought he was dreaming. Because there was no way, no way in hell, that he was watching a very tired, very pregnant James Wilson being equipped with a bulletproof vest right now.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute…” Aleks stood up from his spot against the wall, the murmuring in the room falling silent as James turned to glance at him, blinking slowly. Aleks crossed the room, gesturing to his frame with his hand. “What do you mean ‘we’? You’re not coming with us.”

Anna had stopped strapping on his vest, her hands resting on the black Velcro on his chest. James looked at her and gave her a small smile, taking the fabric from her hands in a silent way of letting her go. Aleks watched her retreat somewhere back towards Lindsey before he turned to James again, watching the man use his large hands to finish strapping it to his chest before speaking up.

“I don’t know when or why you started thinking you could talk to me like this, but it’d do you best to stop.” Aleks gritted his teeth, feeling his entire body stiffen up as James lifted his head up and stared him down dangerously. 

“Now you’re going to get into that van, and you’re going to do your fucking job and take us to where we need to go and you’re going to shut up about it before I find a reason to take away your share of the money. Understood?” Aleks merely stared at him in response, hating the way he still had this effect over him, hating the way that he hadn’t changed a bit despite being pregnant and tired and worn out and hating the way that he knew whatever he said in response wouldn’t be enough to change his goddamn mind. James raised an eyebrow expectantly, tilting his head to the side slightly to show he was still waiting for a proper answer and Aleks finally nodded slowly, breaking eye contact and letting his eyes dart away. 

James hummed contentedly, turning his back to Aleks before facing the rest of the group. “Be smart, be safe. Listen to Anna and Lindsey, and meet at the van when the time comes. Do this right, and we’ll be set for months.” 

Aleks was still seething as everyone began to make their ways outside after James’ pep talk, watching everyone move past him like he wasn’t there. James lingered behind, shooting Aleks another dark look as he trekked up the stairs, his gun hanging from his belt.

To make the situation even better Aleks found that James was sitting shotgun to his right in order to tell him where to drive, and the entire way there felt like an eternity. He tried not to focus on the way he kept fidgeting with the velcro on his vest, or the way his seatbelt was pressed tightly against his tummy. When they finally reached the estate, Aleks’ hands were sore from gripping the wheel so tightly.

He parked in the designated spot James had sought out, putting the van in park as everyone began to gather their things. He turned his head and looked over at James, who was busy checking over his pistol. 

And yes, Aleks probably would’ve held his tongue, wouldn’t have said a goddamn word to him had he not then silently watched James unbuckle his seatbelt and very fleetingly run his hand protectively over his belly, so quick that Aleks nearly missed the gesture.

He shook his head quickly, leaning over James’ body and reaching for the half open door, grabbing the handle and yanking it shut with a loud slam.

“You’re not going in there, absolutely fucking not. I’m not letting you out of this van.” James whipped his head around, staring at Aleks in disbelief as everyone else stood outside for a moment, blinking in confusion at the exchange.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but are you really trying to tell me what to do?” James’ voice was dripping with condescension, raising an expectant eyebrow at him but Aleks just glared at him.

“Cut the fucking bullshit, James. You’re being an idiot and you’re not going in there to do this mission. They can do it just fine without you.” Aleks could suddenly hear Lindsey’s voice in his ear, slightly static in the earpiece.

“Alarms are off, everything looks clear. Get in and get out, stat.” There was an uncomfortable silence, and Aleks could hear the three boys shuffling on their feet outside of the van doors, boots against gravel. James was giving Aleks one of the nastiest looks he’d probably ever seen, but he didn’t care. There was absolutely no way in hell he was going to let James run inside and play God during a mission just to keep his ego intact. 

Time was running out, and he watched James’ face fall slightly before he turned his head, glancing out the window.

“You 3 have got this. Listen to Lindsey; get in and get out. We’ll be here.” Aleks finally released his grip on the door handle, leaning back and watching the three men make their way into the house, disappearing through one of the windows. As soon as they were gone James swung his head back around, his jaw set angrily and glaring daggers at Aleks. 

“You’ve lost your goddamn mind, I should just throw your ass onto the street to fend for yourself.” Aleks rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

“I’VE lost my mind?! James, look at yourself! You’re wearing a fucking bulletproof vest while nearly 6 months pregnant like it’s the most normal thing in the world!” James didn’t seem swayed by his words, instead throwing himself against the back of his seat like a child, crossing his arms over his chest and staring forward stubbornly.

“I’m fine, Aleks! I can take care of my fucking self, I don’t need you to act like you need to look out for me!” Aleks gritted his teeth, running his hands over his face and groaning in annoyance.

“For once in your goddamn life, take a step back and realize that this is NOT ABOUT YOU!” James’ eyes flickered slightly to his left as Aleks raised his voice, but kept his arms over his chest as Aleks barrelled on.

“If you want to go in there and get shot like an idiot, fine! Be my fucking guest, I could give a shit! But you will NOT do it when you’re pregnant, because like it or not, that baby is half of me, too!” 

James didn’t say a word, instead choosing to keep staring at the dashboard in front of him like his life depended on it. Aleks could feel his heart pounding rapidly against his chest from all of the pent up anger he’d just dumped onto him, and only for a split second felt bad about it. He turned his own body forward, slumping slightly against the back of his own seat before falling silent as well, staring at the steering wheel almost blankly. 

The silence that filled the van then was...well, weird. It felt like Aleks had just sliced his own body open and was now laying there, exposed and ready for James to see. His head was spinning with all of the things he wanted to say and hadn’t been able to since last December, listening to nothing but the occasional static crackle in his earpiece.

James slowly but surely began to drop his arms from his chest, setting them to rest on either side of his body, elbows pressed against the seat behind him. Aleks turned his head slightly, watching James squirm slightly in his seat, pushing himself to sit up slightly before turning his torso to face him. 

“Aleks, I-” The sudden shattering of glass directly behind his head interrupted him. Aleks sat up immediately as James flinched, shaking off bits of glass from his hair before whipping his head back around to see what had caused it. 

Aleks squinted a bit, gazing back towards the house that was directly behind them as he leaned forward from his seat, scanning all of the windows for movement. All he was met with was an eerie silence, the wind ruffling the dead plants that were sprinkled amongst the barren yard surrounding the estate. 

“Stay here,” he instructed quietly, pulling off his own seatbelt. James looked panicked for a moment, shaking his head with wide eyes.

“Aleks, no! You don’t know what that was, sit your ass down!” He reached over and grabbed onto his arm with a surprisingly tight grip but Aleks was already halfway out of his own door, yanking his arm away.

“Keep quiet, and keep your head lowered!” he hissed, and James shot him an annoyed look, reluctantly letting his hand drop onto the seat below him. Aleks shut the door behind him and pulled his pistol from his pocket, ducking down to hide from the van’s windows as he crept his way around the back. He glanced back up towards the house again, the windows still vacant and the place silent as his boots crunched ever so softly against the gravel road.

Lindsey hadn’t said a word over the ear piece; she was probably just as lost as he was, or hadn’t even realized anything had happened. He took a deep breath and quickly swung around the corner of the vehicle, holding his gun out to find the spot directly beneath James’ window empty.

He frowned, slowly lowering his gun as he looked around, the wind ruffling his hair slightly and tickling his forehead. He pushed his sunglasses higher above his hairline, stepping forward and walking to James’ window. 

“I don’t see anyone…” James sat up a bit in his seat, grunting a bit from the effort it took and met Aleks’ face with a frown. 

“Well, it had to be something.” Aleks turned to face him directly, resting his hands on the edge of the window. 

“Look, they’ve already been in there for awhile, they’ve gotta be almost done. Just keep quiet and let me keep watch?” James let out a defeated sigh, his shoulders slumping forward slightly. Aleks let his eyes flicker downward, glancing down at his lap. James was fidgeting with his fingers, long and newly tan from the Texas sun and picking at his thumbnail, refusing to look up. Aleks let his eyes wander up to his torso, taking in the vest and belly, inhaling a weary breath.

“Will you let me take care of the two of you, please? For once?” 

James jerked his head up at that, staring at him with big brown eyes, looking at a loss for words. He opened his mouth to say something, but Aleks never got to hear it.  
There was the sound of a gunshot, and Aleks barely registered it in time before he was suddenly thrown forward against the car, crying out in pain and getting the wind knocked out of him. 

He felt his palms scrape against the broken glass in the window in a poor attempt to grab onto it before he collapsed to the ground, back hitting the ground with a loud thud. He squeezed his eyes shut, his mind still struggling to catch up with the impact of the bullet as he took a loud gasp of air. 

“Aleks?!” He could hear James’ voice faintly over the ringing in his ear drums, and the car door opened above him. He opened his eyes slowly, squinting in the bright sunlight as James’ figure hovered over him. Everything was suddenly hypersensitive; James’ hands on his face, his frantic voice echoing his name over and over, his bloody hands scraping against the gravel beneath him. 

Aleks searched his mind for a moment, trying to register why the pain hadn’t sunk in yet. He blinked slowly, still feeling James’ hands smushing his cheeks slightly, moving his head back and forth to get him to speak. 

There was a gunshot, that he realized. It had come from behind...it had hit him in the back.

In his vest. 

Aleks finally coughed, allowing air back into his lungs as he realized the pain was never going to come. He scrambled up to sit, feeling James’ hands wrap around his shoulders. 

“Are you okay?!” Aleks blinked again, finally registering the fact that James’ face was only inches away from him. He nodded slowly in response, swallowing thickly as James’ eyes locked with his own. 

“Yeah, I’m...I’m fine…” James sighed in relief, his grip loosening slightly as he dropped his head and Aleks finally managed to pull his gaze away, turning to stare at where the gunshot had come from. 

“FREEZE!” James’ head shot up, turning to match Aleks’ as the two of them stared down a cop that was a few yards away, pistol raised in front of him. Aleks scanned his stance; messy, hands slightly shaking, and by the young face, assumed he must be a rookie. Aleks began to sit up again, once again getting screamed at. 

“I said FREEZE!” James was still on his knees, slightly bent over Aleks in a protective sort of way. Aleks raised his hands up in a innocent gesture, still staring him down. 

“Can I stand? Please?” The cop kept his gaze on him, gun still pointed directly at his face but didn’t respond. Aleks turned to James, pushing himself up to stand before leaning down and taking both of his hands, helping him up to his feet slowly. Aleks’ eyes flickered towards the officer, seeing him lower his gun slightly at the sight of James’ tummy.  
Aleks turned his attention back to James, reaching up and brushing a bit of dirt off his cheeks, his fingers brushing against his beard. 

“You keep yourself safe, okay? Don’t worry about me if he starts shooting, just run for it. Don’t you try and start to fight.” James gave him a pitiful look then, opening his mouth to argue before the cop cut them off once more. 

“No talking or I shoot! Turn back around!” Aleks’ eyes lingered on James’ for a second more before he obeyed his orders, turning around and pulling James behind him, keeping his hand gripped tightly around his wrist. 

“Just calm down, alright? We haven’t done anything wrong. Plus, you already took a shot at me.” The officer narrowed his eyes slightly, his hands still shaking a bit as he took a step forward. Aleks could feel James’ body behind him, his breath warm against the back of his neck as he kept his head bowed. 

“You’re trespassing on private property. Got a 911 call about a break in taking place by someone passing by, and I came to respond and found you two.” Aleks tilted his head to the side slightly, watching him carefully. 

“We’re not a threat. The real ones are inside, in the middle of a heist.” James’ hand was gripped tightly onto the back of Aleks’ shirt, his head still down and Aleks could feel his heart pounding against his chest, keeping a poker face as he watched the rookie tilt his gun a bit lower. 

“I’ve got backup coming to take care of them, don’t you worry. None of you will be getting out of here this time.” There was a sudden glimpse of movement from one of the windows on the second floor, catching Aleks’ attention. His eyes flickered up to look, seeing Brett’s frame for a split second passing across the window. He kept his eyes locked on it, seeing Asher pass it and then Trevor, catching his eye from across the yard. He watched him pause, eyes widening as he took in the scene taking place in the yard below him. Aleks quickly tore his eyes away, looking back towards the cop to grab his attention again. 

Unfortunately, it was too late. 

Aleks watched him turn his head around, catching the last glimpse of Trevor fleeing the room before he turned his body, aiming towards the window and shooting out the glass. Aleks scrambled for his gun, shoving James back towards the van door and cocking his own pistol and aiming for his torso before the rookie flipped back around, taking a shot at the exact same time. 

Aleks’ bullet hit him square in the chest. 

The officer’s hit Aleks straight in the shoulder. 

The pain that he’d been expecting earlier finally came in full force, knocking him back just as hard as before. He yelled out in pain, his back making contact with the metal door and sliding down towards the ground. He could feel his arm growing warm with blood, dripping down his side like water after a shower. 

The cop had been knocked down on the ground, and Aleks could vaguely hear the sound of the back door being thrown open and boots running against gravel, accompanied by the faint noises of sirens in the distance. James was on his knees again, his large arms wrapping themselves around his back to lift him up slightly to sit against the door. 

“Aleks Aleks, oh God…” He heard Lindsey’s shrill voice in his ear, demanding to know what was happening and he weakly lifted his hand up, yanking the earpiece out of his ear, closing his eyes. 

As stupid as it sounded, things seemed to go into slow motion then. 

He heard the van door being yanked open to his right, and felt James’ wet, bloody hands on his face again, desperately begging him to open his eyes. He felt someone grab ahold of his legs and someone else grab his torso, letting out another cry of pain as they moved his shoulder. 

“Asher, get in the drivers seat and GO!” Aleks swallowed back vomit, trying to ignore the throbbing pain that was overtaking his senses. He was lowered onto the middle seats, keeping his eyes squeezed shut as he heard the doors close and the tires began to peel out on the gravel road beneath them. 

“Take the back road, take the BACK ROAD!” Brett’s loud voice rang out over Aleks’ head and he slowly managed to open his eyes, blinking at the dingy car ceiling above him and James’ panicked, pale face hovering over his own. 

“Aleks, oh my God…” He could feel his large hands clamped over the wound in his shoulder, gritting his teeth at the pain as James kept rambling. “Don’t you bleed out on me, I can’t do this again, goddamnit…” Aleks squirmed slightly, groaning out in pain as Asher took a sharp turn, throwing all of them towards the left of the van. 

The last thing he remembers before he blacked out was James’ warm breath against his face, his voice soft and panicked and scared. 

“I’m not losing you, Aleks. Not again.” 

Aleks didn’t wake up until that evening, several hours after the crew had arrived back home and fled the town completely. He was in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room wrapped in a comforter that he knew was James’ because of the smell. 

He opened his eyes slightly, squinting at the somewhat bright lighting that was shining above him. His shoulder ached painfully, but he could feel the scratchy feeling of gauze against his bare skin. He stirred slightly, relieved to feel that it wasn’t bleeding, and opened his eyes a bit more, letting himself adjust. He was in a large room, the walls bare and the air warm from lack of AC. He moved his legs slightly against the king sized mattress, feeling the smooth sheets against his bare feet and bare back. He turned his head slightly to the right, looking for the door and finding James instead, fast asleep in a chair beside the bed. 

His hair had begun to fall from his usual messy bun, little ringlets hanging against his cheeks. His left elbow was propped up against the chair’s arm, his head resting against his palm. His eyes were shut, looking peaceful as he slept, his head bowed slightly towards his lap. Aleks took him in, smiling a bit, eyes falling to where his other arm was resting across his stomach, looking like it was made to do just that. 

He brought his palms down the mattress and pressed down, pushing himself up to sit. He gritted his teeth, holding back a groan as his shoulder ached in protest but the mattress creaked slightly beneath his weight and woke James anyway. 

The older man stirred in his seat, lifting his head slowly and blinking his eyes awake, sitting up suddenly as soon as he realized what was going on.

“Aleks!” He stood up quickly, crossing what little space there was between him and the bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. “Are you okay? Lindsey gave you painkillers earlier but I’m sure they’re worn off, that was hours ago…” James’ hands were shaking slightly, and Aleks felt his heart clench at the sight as he reached to touch his gauze, making contact with his skin. “You stopped bleeding a while ago, so that’s good…” Aleks didn’t say anything in response, his eyes staring at James’ profile as he lowered his hand, pulling them back to his lap as he sat in silence, voice faltering and still avoiding his eyes. 

There was another beat, and then Aleks watched his face contort slightly, looking up and wearing what looked like confusion all over it. 

“Why’d you do that? Throw me behind your back this morning, and take that shot?” Aleks merely stared at him in response, taking in his expectant eyes. James looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in days, and the frown upon his lips made him look 10 years older. Aleks took a slow, deep breath, letting it fill his lungs before letting it out again, his shoulders slumping slightly. 

“I told you that I was going to protect the two of you, and I did.” 

He heard James suck in a breath at that, and Aleks tilted his head down, taking a sudden interest in the state of his own fingernails. He could feel his cheeks slightly burn under James’ intent gaze, picking at his thumbnail in an attempt to distract himself. 

A couple more moments passed, and then suddenly Aleks felt the mattress moving slightly beneath him, and he looked up just in time to see James leaning in and enveloping him in a hug. 

Aleks froze for a moment, his body only registering the shock of the situation as James’ arms slipped their way around his waist and lower back. He was so warm, so gentle and so James that it almost hurt.

He finally found himself lifting his arms, ignoring the pain from his wound as he wrapped his arms around James’ shoulders. He closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath as he felt James rest his forehead against his neck, Aleks burying his face in his curls. He felt his entire existence begin to crumble right then and there, in James’ arms, melting in his touch and inhaling his scent. It felt like he’d suddenly travelled back in time a few months, back to Christmas Eve when everything was okay and they were back in bed, hiding beneath the blankets and safe from the cruelties of the world, of this life they’d chosen to live together. 

James slowly began to pull away after a few moments, and Aleks suddenly realized his belly had been pressed up against Aleks’ own. He reluctantly let go of his shoulders, letting his hands linger for a moment before dropping them back down to his thighs. James tilted his head to the side slightly, flashing him a small smile and Aleks felt his heart skip a beat like he was fucking 16 years old again. 

“Thank you,” he murmured simply, and Aleks couldn’t help but smile back, feeling relief wash over him like warm water. 

“No problem, boss.” 

His wound healed fairly quickly; Lindsey had gotten the bullet out and stopped the bleeding while they were still in the car, saving him from losing more blood. They’d fled to somewhere in Louisiana, where they’d thankfully found a shitty motel to stay in while they came up with a more long term plan. They made their way along the southern coast, dodging the police everywhere they went before another month passed and it became very evident that James was no longer willing to travel much longer. 

Aleks was nothing but admirable of him; he didn’t complain once until they hit Florida, when he’d finally brought up settling down in a permanent place until the baby came. He was visibly worn out by then, taking his time in everything he did. His loud voice never left, though, and Aleks was still watching him bark out orders left and right even when he was having trouble staying on his feet for very long. 

June was wet and humid and gross, finding them in a secluded house hours from Miami and near the Everglades, away from people and away from any sort of major authorities. They hadn’t been on their tail in for a couple weeks now, and James finally felt safe enough to stop and stay in one place. 

The money they’d made in Texas was more than enough to keep them going through the summer, even after they’d made their large donations to their families back home. Aleks was thankful he and James were no longer keeping their distance from each other, because Aleks found himself rushing to James’ aid every chance he got. It got harder for James to walk, harder for him to stand on his own and harder for him to go anywhere in general, and Aleks found himself at home a lot, laying in bed with James with the AC on full blast. 

He didn’t mind; they had too much time to make up together. 

It was strange at first; Aleks felt like they were total strangers again and that upset him, but he slowly but surely began to get his old James back, the same one with the loud laugh and bright smile and knack for inappropriate jokes. When June was ending, they were back to sharing the bedroom again, talking to each other for hours in the dim lighting.

James hadn’t been sleeping well; Aleks often woke up in the middle of the night to find him awake, playing some stupid game on his phone in the dark and he’d turn around to check on him, half sleep and reaching to touch his thigh.

Most of the time James would just brush him off, insisting he just couldn’t get comfortable and tell him to go back to bed. 

Aleks woke up in the middle of the night in late June, yawning softly and turning onto his back, glancing over to see James wide awake once again, sitting up against his mountain of pillows. 

“You okay?” Aleks asked sleepily, reaching his hand over to touch his arm gently. James hummed in response, watching his hand slide down his arm and to his hand. 

“Yeah, I’m good...there’s just so much kicking tonight…” Aleks rubbed his eyes with his other hand, turning his body more so that he was on his opposite side, propping himself up on his elbow and letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. He could see James’ silhouette, barely visible against the very dim window lighting, his head turned downward slightly towards Aleks. “Do you want to feel?”

And really, Aleks couldn’t remember the last time he’d been actually happy before that night, huddled with James in the dark with his pale hands resting against his tummy, grinning and gasping every time he felt movement against his palms. James kept hissing at him to shush in between quiet giggles, moving his hands to different spots and getting the same reaction. They stayed up almost the entire night, laughing and talking and Aleks was so thankful for this, so glad that he had his James back, that he had them back. 

It was good timing, too.

She finally came on a Thursday, in early July.

It was humid and hot as usual, and for some Godforsaken reason the power had decided to go out that morning during a rainstorm, leaving everyone in the house soaked with sweat before noon. 

James was restless; how could he not be? Aleks had no choice but to watch him pace around the room, his hair pulled up in a messy bun with stray curls falling in little ringlets down the sides of his face. The rest of the crew had pretty much disappeared, making Aleks only feel half relieved. They’d seemed to have gotten the message despite James not having said a word since previous evening; his face seemed to say it all.

That was the worst part, he thinks; watching James suffer with no ability to stop it. 

The morning wasn’t bad; he seemed a bit cranky with the lack of air conditioning but otherwise just uncomfortable. He’d attempted to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of night but nothing was working, he just couldn’t get comfortable. So, what else could Aleks do but wait with him?

Around noon was when things started going downhill. He’d abandoned his spot in the bedroom and had resorted to the living room in some sort of fatigued attempt to get comfortable on the couch. He still hadn’t said a word; Aleks wasn’t sure if it was a pride thing or if he just didn’t have anything to say. He finally broke his silence sometime in the afternoon, when the rain had ceased and the air was muggy and gross inside and Aleks felt like he was fucking suffocating with everything going on around him. 

“Oh, my God…” Aleks’ head had shot up instantly, jumping up from his spot in the kitchen and crossing it quickly, standing in the doorway of the living room with wide eyes.

“James? What is it? Are you okay?” He blinked slowly, taking in the scene of James curled up on the couch, his face buried into one of the large cushions with his back facing outward. He didn’t respond, his entire body stiff with pain as Aleks slowly made his way over to him, kneeling down beside him and reaching a hand out towards him. “James…”  
He made contact with his back and James immediately flinched, letting out a breath that he’d obviously been holding on. 

“Don’t, Aleks. Please...don’t touch me…” Aleks froze instantly, hastily pulling his hand away after a moment and sitting back down against the floor, swallowing thickly. He’d never heard James speak like that; in a tone that sounded like he was about to burst into tears and scream at the exact same time. He blinked slowly, blankly watching as James stiffened back up again, curling even further into himself as was physically possible. Aleks caught sight of his hands clenched onto one of the pillows, his knuckles white with sheer force and he felt a horrible pang of guilt in his stomach. 

It took a couple more minutes but he finally saw the muscles in James’ back begin to relax once again, a long breath escaping his mouth as he let his head fall even deeper into the cushion, his arm relaxing as he released his grip. For a moment, Aleks wasn’t sure what to say, or even if he should speak. The silence was broken after a few seconds, James’ voice slightly hoarse as he lifted his face slightly.

“Shouldn’t you be timing these or something?” Should he be? Oh, right. Jesus Christ. Aleks hastily reached into his pocket for his phone and opened the timer, hitting the button as fast as he could.

“Yeah, I got it…” James remained curled up on the couch, his back still facing out and a tense sort of silence filled the space between them. Aleks chewed on his lip and leaned against the coffee table behind him, nervously fidgeting with the broken part of his phone case as he watched James’ back rise and fall, counting how many breaths he took. 

The temperature only rose as the afternoon dragged on; Aleks ended up shedding his shoes and socks at some point, leaving him only in his jeans and t shirt. James was getting more and more restless as time passed, as he should’ve been; the time in between each contraction was getting shorter and shorter, much to Aleks’ dismay. James really didn’t say anything, just the occasional groaning or cursing sprinkled in here and there. Quite frankly, Aleks had no idea how he was managing to hold himself together as well as he was. 

He remained on the couch for 3 more hours, when the sun was at its peak and the heat of the day was beginning to make Aleks feel sick. He’d been watching James’ shirt grow more damp with sweat as the day progressed, yet the two still hadn’t talked. His back was still turned; Aleks figured he’d found some sort of comfort in the position and was thankful for that. 

Around 4 in the afternoon is when he began to cry. 

And the thing was, Aleks had never really seen James cry before that day, not like this. For a moment he was sure he’d imagined it.

Aleks had just finished resetting his timer once more, setting his phone down on its rightful spot on top of the coffee table. He slumped back down on the floor, rubbing his eyes wearily when he heard James began to sniffle. Frowning, he dropped his hands slowly and straightened up a bit, wondering if his mind had just been playing tricks on him.  
Sure enough, another soft sniffling noise reached his ears and Aleks physically felt his heart begin to break. 

He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it once more, thinking that everything he’d say would just sound stupid to James. He tilted his head down and stared at the ugly green carpet for a moment, his fingers on one hand nervously messing with the corner edge of the table and the other hand resting on his own thigh, unsure if he should acknowledge anything or let it be.

There was a rustling from the couch and Aleks looked up just in time to see James’ hand move down from off the pillow it had been resting on to his face, running the knuckle and back of his index finger across his eye. 

Oh, God. Not this. Please, anything but this. 

Aleks couldn’t help it, he really couldn’t. The guilt in his stomach was making him nauseous now, eating him alive and he found himself pushing himself to sit up on his knees on the carpet, inching closer towards James’ back. Slowly, he reached out both of his hands towards either side of James’ head, slipping the left one beneath the side of his head that was resting against the couch pillows and the other to his exposed side, lifting his head delicately. Aleks was thankful that James just let it happen, his head almost limp in his grip. Aleks very gently ran his palms across his hair, smoothing down all of the flyaways and rogue curls that had managed to escape his bun and brought them back towards him, gently laying his head back down as he did. He pulled his hand from beneath his head and reached over to pull out his hair tie, letting his dark curls fall down his shoulders. Aleks couldn’t help the way his hands so desperately wanted to lose themselves in his hair once more, and before he knew it he was running his fingers through it, one hand still on the right side of his face as his fingers made contact with his temple and scalp. James hadn’t moved once in response, and Aleks finally realized his eyes were shut. Swallowing down a sigh, he managed to pull his hair back up into a semi messy bun on the top of his head, reluctantly letting his fingers drag across his curls before he pulled his hands away. James’ cheeks were now exposed, shiny with a mixture of what Aleks could only assume were sweat and tears. He glanced at his timer again and chewed on his lip, realizing he didn’t have much time before the next wave of pain hit. He turned his head back and, before he could convince himself to stop, leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to James’ temple. 

“It’s gonna be alright, James. I promise.” He lingered probably a little too close to James for a moment more before he pulled away, absentmindedly reaching his fingers up to make contact with his own lips before setting his hand back down. James didn’t move for a moment, still facing the inside of the couch but Aleks finally saw him give a small nod, his head bobbing up and down ever so slightly. 

“Thanks, Aleks…” he murmured softly, and Aleks barely had time to react before he heard him inhale yet another deep, pained breath and he was scrambling up to grab his timer once again. 

Aleks was almost positive he had never experienced a night as long as this one was. By the time the sun had set, and the heat had slightly subsided, James was practically writhing in pain on the couch, his comfortable position long gone. He’d found a temporary solace in sitting on the edge of the couch with his hands gripping the edge of the coffee table, and Aleks couldn’t help but flinch at how white his knuckles were. His hair had fallen loose from its bun once more and his shirt was growing more soaked in sweat by the minute, and honestly it just wasn’t fair, none of this was fucking fair. 

Aleks could feel his heart pounding nervously as he glanced at his timer, realizing they were on very limited time. James let out another distressed sort of groaning noise before throwing his head back and panting for air, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Aleks…” Aleks couldn’t help but blanch for a moment at his tone; it was deep and deadly and scared the living shit out of him. “I don’t care who it is, I don’t care how you get them here, just get me a doctor that knows what the fuck they’re doing.” Aleks merely blinked in response, taking a few seconds to process his request. 

James opened his eyes suddenly, turning his head slightly to glare at him darkly, his face shiny with sweat. “Well? What are you doing?” Aleks opened and closed his mouth stupidly, holding up his hands after a moment in a sort of peace offering style.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it! Just, uh...stay here, okay?” He could feel the pure heat of James’ death glare upon him even after he turned around and fled the room, sheer panic rising in his stomach like bile. No one here knew how the fuck to deliver a baby, he understood that much. He rushed through the kitchen and down the hall, taking the stairs two steps at a time down to the basement where he was met with majority of the team, all glancing up to stare at him at the same time. 

“Aleks? What’s the matter?” Lindsey’s calm voice sounded muffled in his ears. He swept his eyes across the room, taking in the two girls on the left sat on the couch, Trevor and Asher near the back, and Brett leaned against the door on his right, all of them sharing the same look of anxiety. Aleks swallowed thickly, bringing his hands down to run his sweaty palms down the sides of his jeans.

“I...well, James is...he’s…” He shook his head quickly, bringing his hands up to rub at his eyes. He heard one of the girls get up to his left and he ran his fingers through his sweaty blonde hair, dropping his hands quickly. “He needs a doctor now, like...someone who knows what to do. Because I fucking don’t.” He glanced up and saw Lindsey shoot Anna a nervous look, both of them shuffling slightly on the couch. Brett remained silent, his arms crossed across his broad chest and he saw Trevor get up from his spot in the chair near the back, crossing the room towards him and placing a hand hesitantly on his shoulder before speaking. 

“Aleks, just breathe, alright? Is James okay right now?” Aleks blinked slowly at him for a moment, as if processing what he just said. 

“Yeah…” he breathed out, feeling slightly comforted by his touch and calm voice. Trevor nodded a bit, his eyes darting up towards the door back to the first floor before meeting Aleks’. 

“Good. Now, I’m sure we can figure something o-” Aleks swore he nearly jumped out of his skin, the entire room falling silent as they heard James’ muffled yelling from up the stairs.

“ALEKS!” There was a beat, the group taking in James’ panicked and pleading voice, followed by what was unmistakably loud crying. Aleks felt his heart drop somewhere to his feet before he turned frantically back to the group.

“What do I do?! Jesus Christ, someone help him!” He could feel himself practically bouncing on his feet, itching to run back up the stairs. Trevor was chewing on his lip now, glancing to his side at Brett, who looked just as lost as him. Aleks felt his heart pounding against his ribcage, James’ yelling still echoing in his ears. He opened his mouth to speak again before Lindsey cut him off. 

“We’ve got it, Aleks. Go back upstairs and get him into the bedroom, okay?” Anna was watching him from Lindsey’s side, giving him a small nod of encouragement when Aleks merely stared at them blankly in response. 

“It’s okay. Just get him comfortable, we’re gonna take good care of him. Trust us.” And for some reason, Aleks really believed her. He wasn’t sure if it was her tone of voice, or the way both the women were looking at him, but in that moment he felt as if everything was suddenly going be okay. 

He nodded slowly, backing up towards the stairs before he turned and all but ran up them, making a beeline for the living room. He was met with the sight of James back on the couch, flat on his back with his arms over his face, his foot bouncing agitatedly against the end of it in some sort of desperate attempt to distract himself from the pain. Aleks immediately ran over, kneeling down beside him and reaching out to touch his hands. 

“James? I’m here now…” He curled his fingers around his wrists and managed to pull them down, revealing James’ very sweaty and pink face, his stray hairs sticking to his forehead and temples. His eyes were squeezed shut, and Aleks watched him swallow thickly, still struggling to catch his breath.

“I didn’t...I couldn’t time it...but it was...really fast...and really bad…” Aleks felt his heart ache again and he shook his head quickly in response, despite the fact that James’ eyes were still shut.

“It’s okay, it’s okay...look, Lindsey and Anna are gonna take care of you, alright? I just need to get you to your bed…” He couldn’t help but reach up and push away the hairs that were stuck to his forehead, flinching at how warm his skin was. He tried not to focus on how puffy his eyes were, how shiny his cheeks looked. James nodded slowly in response, keeping his eyes closed for a moment longer before he opened them, weary and full of pain and just exhausted. He reached up and grabbed ahold of Aleks’ shoulder weakly, pulling himself up slowly. It took Aleks a second to register, but then he was hoisting him up on his own, slowly but surely getting him to his feet. James’ arm rested heavily across his shoulder blades and Aleks slid a gentle arm around his back. 

“There we go...come on, just across the room…” James looked like he’d much rather be doing anything than walking at this point but nevertheless obliged, dragging his feet slightly. They managed to make it into the dimly lit bedroom, and Aleks leaned forward with one arm still around James to yank the comforter up. He gently turned them around, leaning down to lower James into the bed and propped up on a mountain of pillows. 

“Alright...that’s good, you’re good now…” James shot him another dark glare, still breathing heavily. 

“I’m not good, actually. I’m in fucking tears and it’s your fault.” Aleks winced at that, nervously running his thumb over his fingertips as his hands hung limply at his side. 

“Right, well I meant...you’re, uh…” As horrible as it sounded, Aleks was somewhat glad for the wave of pain that suddenly hit James, excusing him from coming up with some bullshit thing to say. James immediately cried out yet again, throwing his head back against the pillows as he squeezed his eyes shut. Aleks could think of nothing to do but flock to his side, his hands hovering over James’ body. 

“Alright, alright just, uh...just breathe, yeah? You’ve been doing great all day, and now it’s almost over, so just breathe it out…” Until this point, the two hadn’t exactly been communicating, much less Aleks coaching James on. But now, when James looked a step away from death and Aleks could feel the anxiety pulsating through his body, none of that mattered anymore. He bottled up every ounce of fear he felt in his body and threw it away in an instant.

He reached down and took James’ hand in both of his own, holding onto it firmly. “Look, I’m here now, okay? I know we’re still on shaky ground, and I know that things still aren’t the best. But right now, you need someone. And this is my doing, and that’s our baby, and I’ll be damned if it’s not me.” James’ chest was still rising and falling rapidly, his eyes still shut as he breathed through his nose. Aleks held his own breath, wondering for a moment if he had even heard him before James just squeezed his hand in response. Aleks let out a sigh of relief, letting himself fall closer towards him. 

“Just don’t like...break my hand, or anything…” James’ grip was exceptionally tighter than he’d expected; he could practically feel his blood circulation being cut off. James seemed to have listen and loosened his grip slightly, much to Aleks’ relief, and Aleks watched him closely as he let his head fall limply back once more, his neck propped against the pillows as he struggled to catch his breath again. 

“Sorry…” he managed out, his voice breathy but more relaxed than before. Aleks felt him loosen his grip completely on his hand, letting him go. Aleks took this moment to grab a chair from the other side of the room and drag it over, sitting down at his side and leaning forward on the mattress. 

“Nah, don’t be sorry...you have the right to break my hand if you want.” His heart fluttered as James somehow cracked a weary smile at that, watching him open his large brown eyes to make contact with Aleks’ own. 

“You’re damn right I do,” he mouthed back breathily, and for some reason, in that moment, with James’ face sweaty and pink and his hair a tangled mess on top of his head, Aleks didn’t think he’d seen him look so beautiful in his entire life. 

After that, things seemed to get very fast, and then suddenly very slow.

Aleks felt like he should’ve remember more but honestly, everything seemed to be passing by him in some sort of blur and he couldn’t break himself free. He remembers James’ grip on his hand, and he remembers how much he cried. He remembers Anna and Lindsey somehow remaining calm in the face of things, and he remembers the harsh smell of antiseptic and dingy blankets and the dim lighting and the heat, God the fucking heat. 

It didn’t really dawn on him what was happening, not until he heard the crying.

And then time seemed to just stop. 

And then...she was just there. 

Aleks saw her first, he thinks; James was still struggling to breathe and had collapsed against the pillows in a sweaty mess. He stared blankly at the writhing infant, his mouth slightly open in shock as he still kept a grip on James’ hand, watching Lindsey pass her to Anna. 

“It’s a little girl.” And really, what did Aleks have to say to that? He watched Anna use one of their dirty blankets to wrap her up in before he decided to turn back to the bed, and he really wish he hadn’t.

James’ eyes were opened again, staring up at the ceiling as his chest rose and fell, his lips slightly parted. His face was a mixture of what Aleks could only describe as pain and confusion, as if he were still processing what had just happened. Aleks leaned forward, keeping his fingers intertwined with his as he used his free hand to push the stray hair from his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time that day. 

“You did it,” he murmured simply, and James didn’t respond, merely avoiding his eyes and gazing at the ceiling some more. Aleks didn’t blame him; he leaned forward closer and pressed a kiss to his cheek without thinking before sitting up again, this time following James’ suit and staring idly at a spot on the comforter. 

He was trying to focus on anything but the crying; shrill, and loud, and frantic. He kept his gaze fixated on the bed, as if afraid of looking up and witnessing what was happening. James’ hand was loose and sweaty in his grip, yet he never tried to let go. Aleks could feel his rapid pulse against his own skin, and he lifted his head up to turn and stare at him carefully, scanning his face for a moment. “Are you alright?” 

James was still staring at the ceiling, his head still resting against the pile of pillows behind him. He seemed to ponder this for a moment, swallowing thickly before giving a small nod in response. 

“‘M fine…” he murmured, still gazing upward and Aleks wondered idly for a moment if he was also willing himself to just disappear, praying to some sort of God that he always claimed he never believed in, wishing for a way out of this entire situation they’d gotten themselves into. 

They’d gotten this far, and this felt like the final scene of a movie. 

The crying had subsided; whatever Anna had done seemed to work. Aleks turned his head back down and instead decided to stare at his and James’ hands, taking his free hand to run his fingers along the flushed skin of his arm, tracing his tattoos. He was nervous and fidgety and he knew this, but without the crying there was nothing to distract him from what was about to happen.

And the thing was, he shouldn’t be feeling like this. He shouldn’t care.

She was just a mistake, something that was never supposed to happen, the result of too much alcohol and not enough protection and stupid decisions. 

So why did he feel like if he lifted his head again to look at her that he’d burst into tears?

Time sped back up again; before Aleks knew it Lindsey was gathering her things back up, and James was calm again, and Anna was making a beeline for the door, the dirty little bundle resting in her arms. He heard Lindsey say something about getting some rest and drinking water but her voice was muffled in his ears, like he’d just had a gunshot close to his face, deafening him momentarily. 

He shouldn’t have done it, he knows that...but he just couldn’t help it any longer.

“Can I see her?” 

Aleks was positive you could hear a pin drop in the intense silence that followed his sudden question. James stiffened at his side, and Aleks dropped his hand quickly before standing up from the chair and turning towards the door that both girls were already halfway out of. He fidgeted nervously with his hands at his sides, clenching and unclenching them as Anna’s face took on a look of pure pity. 

“Of course you can…” Aleks tried his best to ignore the weary look that Lindsey shot his way, instead focusing on Anna walking back towards him with the tiny bundle. “Just...it can’t be for very long. We’ve got to take her soon…” 

Aleks nodded quickly, running his sweaty palms down his jeans. “That’s all I want.” She finally reached him after what seemed like an eternity, her kind eyes scrutinizing him carefully for a moment before leaning forward slightly. 

“Alright, just make sure her head stays up like this…” Aleks swore his heart stopped the moment he saw her face. 

She had the smallest, tiniest nose he’d ever seen, her skin still a light pink color. Her tiny hands were curled up near her face, as if attempting to grip on top of the dingy blanket with her surprisingly long fingers. She had a head full of dark brown hair, beautiful and shiny, and Aleks was almost positive he’d never seen a baby this gorgeous before in his entire life. 

Almost.

When Anna laid her down in his arms, Aleks watched the infant slowly lift open her eyelids, blinking up at him slowly with hooded lids, and he felt his breath catch in his throat.

No, she WAS the most gorgeous baby he’d ever seen in his life.

She had James’ eyes. 

Aleks barely heard Anna speaking to him; before he could register what was happening, the bedroom door was shut and an awful silence had filled the room once again. Aleks was still standing faced towards the door, his back completely turned towards James. He couldn’t even hear the man breathing behind him.

Aleks continued to gaze down at the baby, at his daughter, this tiny perfect human being who was half of him and half of James and it was then that he realized he had absolutely no fucking idea what he was doing. 

This was never part of the plan, this was supposed to be quick and fast and dirty and he and James were never supposed to talk about it again, that’s what they always did, they didn’t talk about their problems and that was fine. She was never supposed to be here, in his arms, blinking up at him with eyes that perfectly matched the love of his life and he wasn’t supposed to feel this lump in his throat and this aching in his chest like he was about to die. 

Slowly, not wanting to jostle her, he carefully turned on his feet to face James again. He’d abandoned his gaze at the ceiling and was instead staring directly at Aleks, a look of pure pleading in his eyes. 

Aleks watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed thickly, desperately trying not to make eye contact with the child in his arms as he shook his head slowly before speaking quietly.

“Please, don’t do this.” Aleks inhaled slowly, feeling it shudder through his entire body as he stared back at him, refusing to break eye contact. 

“I couldn’t let her go without saying goodbye. And I don’t think you can either.” James immediately raised his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes with his fingers as he sucked in another deep breath. Aleks knew he should be feeling bad for what he was doing but the truth was, he didn’t in the slightest. He didn’t want to have to sit here and watch James be tortured for the rest of his life, all because he decided not to see his daughter for the first and last time. It wasn’t fair to her, or to him. 

James kept his palms pressed against his eyes for so long that Aleks fleetingly thought he was trying to make himself go blind. He finally dropped them after a few moments, letting them fall to rest on his lap. He stared blankly at the comforter covering his legs, his shoulders slumped slightly in what seemed like defeat. Aleks looked back down at his daughter, who was well on her way to falling asleep, before leaning forward slightly and slowly extending her out to James’ reach. 

He was a fucking natural, he really was. Aleks didn’t even have to tell him what to do; his arms raised up slowly, letting Aleks lay her down in them and her small head seemed to perfectly fit against his bicep. James didn’t seem to be breathing; he seemed frozen in time, in this moment, as if trying to perfectly preserve it. He was all eyes for her, his lips slightly parted as he just stared down at her face. Aleks could see her squirm a little bit in his grip but nevertheless remain calm, her eyelids threatening to droop shut once more.  
Aleks found himself taking his seat back in the chair beside the bed, resting both of his elbows on the mattress as he leaned forward and just watched her sleep, her tiny hand rising and falling gently against her chest as she breathed. 

And then, of course...time sped back up again.

He wasn’t surprised. There wasn’t enough time in the world to say goodbye to someone.

There was even less of it to say goodbye to your baby girl. 

The door was being opened before Aleks knew it; he could hear Lindsey’s cautious steps as it creaked slowly.

“I’m sorry, guys...she’s gotta go…” James was absolutely silent, refusing to break his gaze. Aleks reluctantly turned his head, watching her come inside with Anna directly behind her, both looking forlorn. He sat back in his chair, resting his back against the frame and he watched with a horrible feeling in his stomach as Anna crossed the room and leaned down over the bed, gently picking her up from James’ arms. Aleks avoided his face completely; he had no desire to see what emotions were clouding his dark eyes at the moment.

Anna gave them both fleeting glances before she turned and made a beeline for the door, eager to escape the room. Lindsey was right on her heels, avoiding their eyes completely before Aleks leapt up and followed her out, catching her as she made her way out the doorway.

“Lindsey!” She stopped and turned, meeting him with a look of surprise.

“Yeah?” she asked slowly, her face faltering slightly as Aleks swallowed a bit, his fingers tapping anxiously against his own thigh.

“Is she...the people getting her, they’re...they’re good, right? They’re gonna take good care of her?” Aleks was sure he’d never seen someone’s face shatter as much as Lindsey’s did in that moment. She stared at him with such a look of sadness and pity that it almost made him dizzy. She nodded after a moment, tilting her head to the side slightly.

“They’re wonderful. Anna and I made sure of it...she’s going to be just fine.” Aleks nodded quickly, running his lip against his upper teeth for a moment. With really nothing else to say, he turned on his heels and walked back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him as he did. 

The air in there was stifling; Aleks knew it was probably because of the lack of AC but the way James was looking surely didn’t help. He was staring down at his legs again, as if he were suddenly very interested in the pattern on the comforter. His hands were on either side of his thighs, and Aleks could see his thumbs running up and down the fabric agitatedly. There was a moment where he seriously considered turning around and fleeing the room. He physically felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he honestly would’ve probably had a full on meltdown had he not caught sight of the small bowl of water and towel sitting on the side table.

He vaguely remembered Lindsey mentioning something about getting James to cool down, and he glanced at James’ profile, taking in his still pink cheeks and flushed skin. Before he could stop himself, he crossed the room and grabbed ahold of the bowl, eager for something to do with his hands. His fingers made contact with the cold water as he dipped the small cloth into it, holding back a sigh as he wrung it out. Letting it drip for a few seconds, he turned himself back towards the bed and leaned forward, reaching over and dragging the cool towel across his cheek.

James didn’t react; Aleks watched his skin grow even more shiny and damp as he lowered it again. James continued to stare blankly at his lap, and it was almost concerning at this point. Aleks pushed his feelings deep deep down somewhere in his stomach, trying not to think about how they were going to come up like vomit later on, and merely wiped down James’ warm neck. He settled back down in his chair, pulling his arm back after a moment to dip it back into the water before the silence was suddenly broken.

“Do you think she’s going to be okay?” Aleks wondered idly if the way his voice broke was some sort of act of God trying to strike him down. He closed his eyes, wishing desperately for the ground to swallow him whole, chair and all.

He would’ve stayed like that probably forever, had he not overhead the very discernable sound of James sniffling and trying to hide it. He looked up just in time to see James’ arm raised to his face, wiping his nose across his tattooed arm and Aleks really just wanted to drop dead. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but James was faster.

“I want her to be okay. And I know that doesn’t involve us, but oh my God everything just felt so right when I was holding her, Aleks. It felt perfect because she was mine, she was ours.” Aleks felt nauseous again; he wondered how unhealthy it was to be swallowing down vomit as many times as he had done tonight. James was visibly distressed now, still refusing to make eye contact with Aleks as he kept his gaze down on his lap. 

“I miss her so much. I miss her so fucking much, and I knew her for 10 minutes. And now I’m never going to see her again.” 

And then he began to cry, and that’s when Aleks finally felt his heart snap in two. 

He didn’t even wait to let the shock set in because, really, he wasn’t shocked at all. James had his elbows on his thighs, his face buried into his two hands and was full on crying, his frame shaking and his back hunched over. Aleks could feel his own eyes begin to sting as he stood up from his chair and placed his hands on the bed, pulling himself up onto the mattress to sit. He sat down on James’ left, pushing his legs out slowly to match his before he propped himself up against the pillows. With gentle motions, he reached his arms forward and gently wrapped them around his body, one across his chest and one on his back. 

James didn’t even wait; his hands were dropped from his face and he completely gave into Aleks, his own arms wrapping themselves around his waist as he leaned over and buried his face into his neck, letting out a horrible sobbing noise that Aleks wishes he could forget to this day. His body was shaking and Aleks couldn’t think of anything better to do than to just hold him, his chin resting on top of his messy hair. He could feel James’ fingers digging into the small of his back, as if trying to distract himself from the onslaught of pain he was feeling inside. 

Aleks reached his hand up from his back and gently pulled his hair tie out, letting his curls flop down against his shoulders before beginning to run his fingers through them, tilting his head slightly so that his lips were now exposed and pressed slightly against the still warm skin on James’ forehead. 

“She’s going to be wonderful, I promise you.” James whimpered softly into his neck, keeping his face buried as Aleks continued.

“She’s going to be the star child in school, the ones you see in movies with the perfect grades and smile and beautiful curls everywhere. And her family, they’re gonna adore her. She’ll be spoiled rotten, taken to wonderful cities for vacations and showered with presents at Christmas. And she’s gonna have all of these friends, so many people to play with and grow up with and she’s not going to have to worry about the things we did.” Aleks paused, suddenly aware of how wet his own cheeks were. James was still sniffling, but now silent otherwise. 

“And she’s gonna go to college and she’s gonna grow up, and she’ll marry someone amazing, someone who will treat her like the queen she is. And she’ll get her dream job, and start her dream family, and everything will work out in her favor because she is our little girl and she always will be, even if she’s not with us anymore.” He knew he was crying now, he could hear it clouding his own voice. James was quiet now, and Aleks could feel his still slightly labored but calmer breathing against his neck. Aleks reached his hand up to his face and wiped the back of it across his eyes, sniffling a bit and letting out a long sigh before closing his eyes and flopping his head back slightly against the pillows, letting his arm fall to his side. 

“I didn’t think it was gonna hurt this bad, either,” he said solemnly, feeling James’ arm rise and fall on his stomach as he breathed. The pain in his chest hadn’t left all day, but now it just felt like an awful ache, deep in his core that he was pretty sure couldn’t be drowned out with all of the alcohol in the world. He wondered vaguely if it hurt less when Joe was shot a few months before...that felt like ages ago now.

James still hadn’t said anything; Aleks felt him shift around slightly on his side, realizing a few seconds too late that he was trying to sit up. Aleks pulled his arms back just as James decided to roll slightly onto his side, propping himself up on one arm. Aleks sucked in a low breath at the sight of his face once again, his large brown eyes making contact with his own as he scanned his face for a moment, as if taking him in for the first time. It certainly felt like that; being x-rayed would feel less intrusive.

“What?” Aleks finally breathed out slowly, trying not to focus on the way his hair was falling into his eyes yet again, or the way his lips were slightly parted as he ran his tongue along the smooth skin, his brow furrowed slightly as he kept staring him down. 

“I’m in love with you.” 

The air suddenly felt heavier, like Aleks had been tossed into some sort of black hole. The tension was thick and stifling and nothing like how it had been earlier. Now there was nothing to distract them, nothing to stray Aleks away from the look of sheer fucking intensity that James was giving him, making him feel about a million and one emotions at once.

It was stupid, really. It felt like he was trapped in a staring contest with some stupid 8 year old kid who was adamant on not losing. Aleks felt himself swallow thickly, furrowing his eyebrows slightly to match James’ own.

So...James loved him. He had just confessed this, in this shitty temporary home, in this dimly lit bedroom, in the bed where their fucking daughter had been born not even an hour before. Aleks’ mind was screaming at him, insisting this was all fake, that James was just physically and mentally exhausted from the day’s events, that he didn’t really mean it, he was just saying it to say it.

That’s probably why Aleks completely fucking froze up when James leaned in, placing his free hand on the side of his face and kissed him, deep and gentle and kind and genuine and just...lovingly.

There’s just no way you could fake something like that. 

James refrained from pulling away, even as Aleks’ lips refused to move beneath his own from pure shock. He gave it a few more seconds before he finally did, pulling his head back and looking at him yet again, with those goddamn beautiful eyes of his. 

“We were so stupid this year. We threw away everything and left it to burn and I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t realize I was actively throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Aleks’ chest ached again, his words hitting him like a fucking battering ram. “Joe dying wasn’t your fault, it was never your fault and I knew that. But I just...I didn’t know how to handle it, and I took it out on you, and that’s such a shitty thing for me to do. Aleksandr, I never blamed you for it. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time…” 

Aleks’ head was spinning a mile a minute, just staring stupidly at James as this word vomit came spewing from his mouth. Everything felt delayed, like his brain was refusing to register everything that was going on. James’ face was doing something weird; he looked like he was debating on opening his mouth again, a clusterfuck of emotions dancing across his face before he began speaking again.

“I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you, I swear to God. I don’t know what it is about your stupid face and your dumb smile and the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh but Jesus Christ, I could never get it out of my head and I still can’t.”

Was this really happening right now?

“And that night on Halloween? I don’t regret it. I don’t, and you know why? Because out of this shitshow, out of this mess we started we got her out of it. We got this perfect little girl who is half of me and half of you and she’s going to make another family so happy, and I’m going to think about her for the rest of my life and everything I do will be for her, because somewhere, in some sort of fucking parallel universe, we’re all together and we’re all happy.”

Aleks sort of felt like James had punched him in the gut, could feel the wind being knocked out of him as he finally closed his mouth and stopped talking. Aleks finally blinked, James going slightly blurry in his vision as he did. 

This was real. There was no way in hell that this wasn’t fucking real.

Aleks could almost feel the waves of anxiety and nervousness flooding off of James, a frown resting upon his delicate lips now as he kept his eyes fixated on him, as if afraid of what he might say. He didn’t need to be.

Aleks sat up and leaned forward in one swift move, taking James’ face into his hands and kissing him deeply, coaxing his mouth open with his own. James seem surprised for a moment before he gave himself over, practically melting in Aleks’ grip. Aleks let his thumbs run across his cheeks, dragging delicately over his facial hair before he pulled away slightly, opening his eyes and letting his head rest against James’ forehead. 

“You and me until the end, boss,” he murmured softly, and the way James’ face lit up could’ve shone right through that dim fucking bedroom, could’ve lit up every other fucking shitty place they stayed at in the years to come. 

They fell asleep tangled in the blankets together that night. James was obviously hurting from the evening’s events but he still managed to rest himself on Aleks’ chest, and Aleks could actually feel how worn out and weary he was. He spent the night running his fingers through his curls, running his fingertips lazily across his scalp and murmuring words of praise throughout because there’s absolutely no fucking way Aleks could’ve done what James did. They didn’t do much talking; there wasn’t anything to say, really. 

Aleks heard Lindsey and Anna come back home in the middle of the night, and wondered vaguely if they were going to tell him anything if he didn’t ask. He heard the door open at one point but he kept his eyes shut, not wanting to disturb this blissful silence that had overtaken the room. After a few seconds, he heard it shut again, and that was that.  
James fell asleep pretty quickly, and Aleks didn’t blame him for that. His head fit perfectly on his chest, the top of his hair brushing lightly against Aleks’ chin every time he breathed. Before he did, however, Aleks felt him lift his head up slightly, his mouth no longer pressed to his shirt so he could be heard better.

“I know it’s not right, but I thought about names for the baby while I was pregnant.” Aleks felt his heart skip a beat at that, but remained quiet nonetheless as he continued.  
“The boy one, obviously Joe. Nothing else sounded as good.” Aleks gave a faint smile at that, listening as he continued. “But, if I ended up having a girl, I wanted to name her after your mom.” 

James fell asleep right after that, and Aleks swears on his life that he never cried as much as he did that night.

James recovered fairly quickly; before Aleks knew it he was back on his feet, itching to get out of town and start planning another heist. No one mentioned what had happened; Anna and Lindsey didn’t even say anything the morning after they returned. They found another place to run to, a small town in Colorado that had an exceptionally large bank they had been keeping tabs on for awhile now. August had rolled in, humid and hot and Aleks longed for a change of scenery, some fresh air and a new start. They gathered up what little belongings they had, and James had decided on leaving on an early Monday morning. 

The night before, everyone retired to bed fairly early save for James, who Aleks found in their bedroom, methodically cleaning his pistol that had absolutely no spots of dirt on it. 

“You’re gonna shine the shit out of that thing and it’s gonna blind you the next time you tried to use it,” Aleks joked, sitting down beside him on the edge of the bed where James resided. James sighed heavily, dropping the cloth and gun into his lap, letting his hands hang in between his legs before he turned to glance at Aleks. 

“Will you do something with me tonight?” Aleks raised an eyebrow at that, tilting his head slightly.

“What do you mean?” he pressed, and James turned his body slightly to face him. 

“It’s nothing bad, I just...I don’t know. I want you to come with me. Will you do it?” Aleks scanned his face again, looking for some sort of clue that would hint as to why James was being so cryptic, but was only met with genuine pleading on his face. 

He obliged, of course. How do you say no to a face like that?

Aleks found himself walking out of a tattoo parlor exactly an hour later, both his and James’ left wrists wrapped up with a sterile bandage and plastic wrap. They got into the van, James in the driver and Aleks in the passenger, and sat in silence for a moment, staring at the dashboard.

“Come on, let’s compare.” Aleks rolled his eyes at James’ eager voice.

“They’re the same exact thing, what’s to compare?” He couldn’t help but smile at the way James jutted out his lower lip in a small pout and gave in, reaching down and picking up the edge of the wrap on his wrist. “You know, we’re supposed to wait like an hour to take these o-”

“Shut up and rip it off on 3, moron.” Aleks grinned and the two leaned over slightly, huddling with each other over the center console to get in the light that was coming from the tattoo shop’s fluorescent lighting outside. 

James counted up to 3, and they both yanked them off at the same time, revealing a simple line of numbers in black ink on both of their wrists; a birthday.

07062018.


	2. and in the dark, we say we don't know where we're gonna go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” James fought the urge to roll his eyes at the statement, instead turning his head. He met Aleks’ now softened gaze, his dark eyes intense yet warm, staring at him with the hint of a smile on his lips. “I’ll be here the whole time, okay? I just...I don’t want you to be scared. You don’t need to be.”
> 
> And somehow, that was okay. James believed him. Despite Aleks’ poor attempt to hide his own anxiety on his face, James was convinced by his words. 
> 
> Everything was gonna be okay. 
> 
> Yeah, what a load of shit.
> 
>  
> 
> (aka, the [sort of] alternate ending.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said i was done with this fic but here i am, back on my bullshit yet again!
> 
> i wasn't quite ready to let these characters go, so...here you go. 
> 
> this ending is written in james' pov, taking place on the night of july 6th, 2018. 
> 
> (title is, once again, lyrics from "Knocked Up" by Kings of Leon.)

James was tired. 

And it wasn’t the normal kind of tired, the sleepiness that seemed to blur your senses and made your eyelids heavy in the mornings. 

No, this was pure exhaustion, mental and physical, and it hadn’t stopped in what felt like months now. It hung over him like a blanket, heavy and thick and suffocating him to the point where he literally couldn’t keep his eyes open.

But, that was the problem.

He couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t slept properly since...well, probably Christmas Day. 

It had all just gone downhill from there, really. 

And now he was here, in this very dark, very warm bedroom in a not so comfortable bed with a very much asleep Aleksandr to his left, his face buried into a pillow and his blonde hair a fluffy mess on top of his head. 

He was asleep; James was not. 

That was the problem. 

Sighing softly, James slowly began to move his legs beneath the comforter, feeling his muscles ache slightly from the effort it took. He shifted his weight against the pillows he was propped up on, feeling his shirt hike up slightly in the back and the scratchy fabric rub against his skin as he did.

He turned his head and glanced at the table to his side, reaching for his phone and pressing the button with his thumb. 

3:32 am. God, how was it only 3:32 in the fucking morning? 

He raised his hands up to his face, digging his palms into his eyes as he yawned, his body yet again painfully reminding him that he was running on next to no sleep in the past month or so. His back was his newest issue; that was what had woken him from his half hour, restless nap. 

He gingerly leaned over, taking his time as he did and wincing slightly before moving his hands behind him and making contact with his lower back, using his fingers and thumbs to knead against the skin there, in a slightly desperate attempt to get it to stop.

He saw Aleks moving before he heard him; his foot shifted slightly against the mattress and made contact with James’ leg before he groaned a bit in his sleep, turning his body onto his back and tilting his head sleepily towards his right. 

“James?” he murmured softly, reaching his hand out blindly before making contact with his upper arm. James remained quiet, watching him slowly begin to open his eyes as he kept kneading at his back.

“Still here,” he muttered, trying his best to hide the bitterness from his tone. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Aleks keeping a close eye on him; he loved it. It was more of the fact that he HAD to do it, that James had become so dependent on him and his gentle touches and his soft, tired voice and constant reassurances in the middle of the night. 

Aleks blinked slowly, his eyes adjusting to the darkness before he realized what James was doing, frowning a bit. 

“What’s the number tonight?” he asked quietly, his voice thick with sleep as he pushed himself to sit up. James pondered this for a moment, thinking about their pain scale they’d created and temporarily pausing his massaging fingers against his back. 

“Seven,” he replied, and he could see Aleks’ face crumble slightly even if the dark lighting. James turned his face away, staring blankly at the comforter over his legs before dropping his hands to his sides.

Aleks was quiet at his side, rubbing at one of his eyes with his palm for a moment before turning to glance at the clock on his side table, then turning back to stare at James’ profile.

“I think a bath would do you some good, mmm?” And goddammit, James was so sick of feeling like this. He kept staring at his legs, staying quiet as he felt Aleks reach over and slide his hand down his arm gently, his fingers interlocking themselves in between James’ own and giving his hand a gentle squeeze. 

The crying was the worst part. He wanted to cry all the time now, for no reason. These hormones were no fucking joke.

He raised his tanned arm up, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes in one swift motion before nodding in response, very glad Aleks couldn’t really see his face in the dark. He sniffled a bit, turning his head to watch as Aleks brought his hand up to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles before he dropped it again and proceeded to push the blankets off of him, climbing out of bed and stretching before making his way to the bathroom across the room, pulling his sweatpants up slightly and his tattoos dark and hidden away in the dim lighting.

James watched him open the door and flip on the light, illuminating a sliver of the room as he began to move around, his heavy footsteps dragging slightly across the tile floor. He heard the water turn on, sitting up a bit before Aleks emerged again, pushing the door open more and letting more light in, basking James in the fluorescence and causing him to squint. 

“I’ve gotten pretty good at gauging a good temperature but...if it’s too hot or cold, tell me and I’ll fix it.” Aleks flashed him a soft smile, crossing the room and reaching down to pull the comforter off of James’ legs. “Just don’t yell, I’m still half asleep.” James cracked a grin at that, rolling his eyes a bit as he reached up to take Aleks’ waiting hands and hoisted himself up and off the bed to stand. 

“No promises, I feel like I haven’t been in control of my own emotions in weeks.” Aleks hummed in response, locking his arm around James’ waist as they began to walk. 

“Your body’s basically been hijacked; I don’t blame you one bit.” James laughed at that, shaking his head as Aleks sat him down on the edge of the tub and knelt down in front of him, beginning to pull off his socks.

“God, you have no idea…” He dipped his fingers in the water for a brief moment before he was helped up to stand again, letting Aleks routinely undress him like thus gotten used to doing. “Bummer, I don’t get to yell at you about the temperature.” 

Aleks grinned at that, and James could still see his eyes crinkle even when his head was bowed slightly. He hiked up James’ shirt and pulled it over his head gently, making sure not to get his curls caught before tossing it on the floor along with the rest of his clothes. 

“What a shame,” he mused, still smiling, and James felt his heart pound heavily against his chest, keeping his eyes locked on him as Aleks took his hands again and helped him step inside the bath after turning off the faucet. James followed his lead, lowering himself into the water and sighing in relief as soon as he did, letting the warm water envelop his limbs. 

Aleks dropped his hands into the water, gently lowering them down before sitting down on the tile to his side, leaning against the porcelain base, his arms propped up against the rim and his chin resting on his hands. 

“By that look on your face, I can tell I did something right.” He grinned, watching James groan lightly in response, his head already resting on the back of the tub and his eyes shut.

“I swear I hated baths before this,” he murmured, moving his body slightly in the water. His back still ached, but the pain was almost masked in the warm water, diminishing the effect it had on him. He heard Aleks laugh that that, then felt his long fingers begin to run through his hair, gently removing his hair tie from his bun and letting it down. 

“They’re not so bad…” Aleks murmured, letting his fingers brush up against James’ scalp gently. James hummed in response, his eyes still shut as he tilted his head slightly towards Aleks, giving him more room to touch him. Aleks obliged, running his fingertips across his scalp and down his neck gently, keeping quiet for a moment as James relaxed further and further into the water.

“Are you still feeling...off? Like you were at dinner last night?” James opened his eyes at Aleks’ question, taking a moment to think this over. He hadn’t been able to hide the concern in his voice. 

Dinner the night before had been a bit of a mess for James. He didn’t quite know how to put his finger on it, but the entire evening he had felt...well, weird. Not in pain so much, but...odd. 

Apparently he’d been showing it, too. Aleks had leaned to his side halfway through dinner, after watching James maneuver his food around his plate for 20 minutes, and murmured in his ear. 

“What’s the matter? Are you okay? You don’t look like it…” James had tapped his fork on his place slowly, staring down at his food for a moment, just letting Aleks’ hand and fingers rub soothing circles against his lower back before turning his head slightly. 

“I’m okay. Just feel a bit...off. Nothing hurts, though. Don’t worry about it.” Aleks had furrowed his brow at that, scanning his face for a second before Brett called for his attention. His eyes lingered a second more before he seemed to believe him, and he turned his head back to his other side to speak. James sighed internally, poking at his food once more but very thankful for the way Aleks’ hand never left his back for the rest of the night. 

He’d gone to bed still feeling weird, and his back hadn’t hurt him this bad in...well, ever. Still, it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He was fine. Everything was fine.  
James turned his head more so that he was directly looking at Aleks now, taking in his concerned eyes. 

“Yeah,” he admitted slowly, watching Aleks’ face fall slightly. “I mean...I don’t know how to explain it, exactly. I just feel different than usual.” Aleks nodded a bit, as if trying to process what he was saying before he sat up on the floor. 

“Alright, well...I think it’s safe to say you’re pretty comfortable in this tub.” James shrugged a bit, waving his hand absentmindedly. 

“Eh, just a little.” He got a smile out of Aleks for that, and dropped his hand back in the water as he continued. 

“Why don’t you just try and get some sleep in here? I’ll stay down here, and I’ll be beside you in case anything happens.” The thought was tempting. His entire body felt warm and content now, the water acting like some sort of blanket. He debated this for a moment, staying quiet as he ran his fingertips against the exposed part of his belly that wasn’t covered by water before nodding slowly, turning to look at him again. 

“That sounds good to me,” he said, smiling softly as Aleks grinned happily, settling back down against the side of the tub and resting his chin on his arm.

“Get as much sleep as you can, alright? You’re gonna need it before we know it.” And yeah, Aleks was absolutely right about that. 

He just didn’t realize it’d be so soon. 

James managed to sleep for what he thinks was almost 3 hours; the sun was beginning to pour through the windows around 7 am. 

That was when the first contraction hit.

Nothing in the world could’ve prepared him for that kind of pain; not all of the stupid books and breathing exercises he’d seen in movies and TV shows, not all of the doctors in the world, not anything. 

He’d jolted up and out of the water in an instant; the pain was like a fucking battering ram that came from nowhere. His hands instinctively reached up and grabbed onto the sides of the tub for support as he sat up, eyes flying open in shock. It took him a few seconds to realize what was happening, and then the pain finally began to set in. 

And God, did it fucking hurt. 

He’d sucked in a breath as soon as he’d woken up and his body had tensed up immediately, his knuckles white and almost matching the porcelain beneath them. He lowered his head and closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as if that would do something to eliminate the pain his body was feeling. 

Aleks’ head was no longer on the siding; James figured he’d ended up on the floor at some point in the night. He kept his mouth shut, teeth gritted as the pain slowly but surely began to subside, his fingers aching slightly as he finally began to loosen his grip. He flopped backward against the back of the tub again, finally letting out his breath and inhaling shakily, letting his eyes fall shut.

“Aleks…” he managed out after a few seconds, his voice breathy and weary. “Aleks, wake up…” 

He heard stirring on the floor to his right, opening his eyes slightly and seeing Aleks suddenly shoot up beside him, his blonde hair a ruffled mess and his face still sleepy. 

“What? What is it? Are you okay?!” James blinked slowly at him, watching as Aleks leaned forward against the tub, his dark eyes full of concern and worry. 

“I just had my first contraction, so...I think I’m in labor.” Aleks stared almost stupidly back at him for a few seconds, and James could almost see him trying to process this in his head. He opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again as James reached up his own hand and rubbed wearily at his eyes, feeling his face grow wet from the now room temperature water. 

“Okay…” He heard Aleks’ slow voice at his side, and James leaned his head back against the tub once more, his body still aching from the aftermath of what had just happened. He saw Aleks scramble up out of the corner of his eye, before he felt the water to his side ripple as Aleks dove his hand in and grabbed ahold of James’.

“It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” James fought the urge to roll his eyes at the statement, instead turning his head. He met Aleks’ now softened gaze, his dark eyes intense yet warm, staring at him with the hint of a smile on his lips. “I’ll be here the whole time, okay? I just...I don’t want you to be scared. You don’t need to be.”

And somehow, that was okay. James believed him. Despite Aleks’ poor attempt to hide his own anxiety on his face, James was convinced by his words. 

Everything was gonna be okay. 

Yeah, what a load of shit.

James figured that his water had broken during that first contraction in the bathtub, because as soon as Aleks had helped him out it was game over from there. They managed to make it to the bedroom and get him half dressed before another contraction had taken over, and he found himself clinging onto Aleks’ waist, his face buried in his chest as he sat on the edge of the bed and Aleks stood in front of him, nervously running his hands up and down his back. 

“It’s okay, its okay, just breathe for me…” Aleks sounded as scared as he looked, which really didn’t help James in the slightest but still he tried to listen, digging his fingernails into Aleks’ lower back as he groaned into his chest and stomach, his voice muffled by his shirt. 

The pain was foreign to him; every time he thought he’d figured it out, it came back full force with something else that seemed to shock his body. The timings grew shorter, the pain got longer. And of course, because he was James Wilson and the world was out to get him, the power had gone out about an hour after he’d gotten out of the bathtub, and the house had become a stuffy nightmare. 

He ended up on the living room couch at some point; everyone else besides he and Aleks had seemed to disappear entirely. He was curled up on his side, one giant pillow propped below his belly and one below his left arm and face, his knees tucked slightly so that he was in some sort of fetal position. 

He could feel Aleks’ presence on the floor to his side, but Aleks had quit touching him altogether, something he was both grateful for and upset about. His body felt like a ticking time bomb, his nerves seeming to grow more and more sensitive after each wave of pain that hit him. The thought of Aleks’ soft hands making contact with his warm body made his skin crawl, and he absolutely hated it. He wanted nothing more than for Aleks to stroke his hair again, to make sure he was okay and press kisses to his face and hold his arms and hands and rub his back but...this was his life. He and Aleks hadn’t ever officially taken the time to talk over the events that had happened over the course of the last 8 and a half months. He was sure Aleks was still hurting from the way he’d treated him for so long. 

Well...he HAD been sure until Aleks decided to pull up his hair. 

James didn’t see the gesture coming; his eyes had been stinging with tears that were ready to come full force, unable to handle the pain his body was going through. He’d taken his hand and tried to wipe them away quickly, but of course Aleks had seen. He felt his gentle hands on either side of his head, lifting it up so he could properly gather his hair back up, and set it down again against the pillow. He smoothed down all of his flyaways and curls like it was his job, pulling his hair back into a loose bun that James appreciated because it didn’t make his already throbbing head begin to ache even more. 

The entire gesture made him want to cry, and all he could manage out was a feeble “thank you” before the next contraction hit, and he was gone once more. 

As the evening neared, he found himself itching to get up and move around. His entire body ached with pain and fatigue, and pacing around the house calmed him slightly. After about half an hour, though, he realized his attempts were futile. Every couple of minutes he was leaned up against a wall, his palms pressed against the shitty wallpaper and his head bowed as he tried to remember how to fucking breathe again. 

Aleks kept silent on his spot on the floor, anxiously watching him as he moved around the room. James had long since stopped attempting to hide his tears at this point; frankly, he didn’t care who heard him. After his attempted walking fiasco he’d sat down on the edge of the couch once more, taking ahold of the coffee table in front of him for some sort of refuge from the pain. 

He leaned forward slightly, trying to even out his weight and somewhat attempt to minimize the pain and for a split second, it worked. 

This time, though...this time was different. 

The same sort of pain seized him once again, but now was accompanied with a new type, like a sort of pressure on his pelvis that made him want to tilt his head to the side and throw up everywhere. He sucked in another breath, squeezing his eyes shut and dug his fingernails into the wooden table, probably causing more damage than relief but it didn’t matter, he couldn’t feel it anyway. 

Suddenly, the only thing his mind could focus on was getting this baby OUT. 

He doesn’t quite remember what he said; he felt nauseous and his head was pounding, but Aleks fled the room in an instant, eager to go and get him the doctor he needed. James knew he was running out of time, and suddenly the entire situation seemed to come down on him at once. 

This was happening. This was real. This wasn’t him imagining what it would be like any longer when he did have his baby; this was him experiencing what it was actually like to have his baby. 

Had Aleks not come in then, James is sure he would’ve had his first anxiety attack in over a year. Somehow he managed to listen to Aleks’ soothing voice amidst the pounding in his ears, clutching onto his hands and allowing himself to be led to the bedroom. 

Things got blurry after that.

He remembers snippets; Aleks’ ever present grip on his hands, the way they briefly talked and cracked smiles at each other. He remembers Lindsey and Anna coming in and taking over and James being so thankful for them that his chest hurt.

He remembers the pain getting worse, and the timing speeding up and he remembers crying, loud and frantic sobs that made his throat feel like it was closing up and the only thing he could focus on was Aleks’ grip on his hand because it was the only thing keeping him sane. 

James had been shot 3 times in his life; in the thigh, on his side and his arm. 

The side one was fine; the bullet had simply grazed his skin. Same with his upper arm; he had fading scars from each incident, ones that reminded him of just how lucky he’d been. 

The one in his thigh had gone straight through, and had taken him awhile to recover from. He remembered not being able to walk for quite some time, the throbbing pain always there and always distracting him from his life. 

He thinks that he would take all 3 of those bullets at the same time now than to keep suffering through the pain he was right now. 

He felt his brain trying to focus on multiple things at once; the pain, for one, and Lindsey’s calm voice telling him what to do, and Anna’s soft affirmations of reassurance. He felt like he was drowning, his chest tight and the little voice inside his head just telling him over and over like some sort of fucking mantra to breathe, just breathe, James. 

And then suddenly, he felt warm breath against his ear, tickling his skin ever so slightly. He managed his eyes open somehow, blinking rapidly in the dim lighting as sweat threatened to drip into them. He turned his head slightly, feeling Aleks’ hand suddenly begin to slide through his curly hair, pushing stray flyaways from his forehead and smoothing them back down against his scalp. The touch stunned him momentarily, and he’s glad he fell silent because then Aleks started talking. 

“Now listen...I know you’re tired, and I know you’re hurting and this has gotta be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but you’re so close, James. You’re so close and we’re almost there and you’re only a few minutes away from holding our baby.” James was suddenly aware of how fast his chest was rising and falling, his heart pounding rapidly against his ribcage like he was running some sort of marathon. He swallowed thickly, still unable to make words but that was okay, because Aleks wasn’t done. 

“I’ve never been more proud of you in my life, do you know that?” His thumb was still running against his warm forehead gently, his other hand intertwined with James’ own and squeezing tightly. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met and I know you’re ready to give up, but you’re so fucking close to the end. I know you can do it. I’m gonna count down, and you’re gonna push, and this is all gonna be over, okay?” And before James could even open his mouth to say anything, Aleks’ lips were on his temple, pressing a gentle and soft kiss to his fevered skin, and James felt like he could suddenly start to cry and never fucking stop. 

He managed a shaky nod in response before he felt the beginnings of his next contraction coming, anxiety bubbling within him and he felt himself tighten his grip on Aleks’ hand, squeezing his eyes shut and inhaling a deep breath. He felt Aleks’ breath against his cheek again, his head swimming. 

“Just focus on me. Just my voice, that’s all you need to listen to…” He felt Aleks’ head make contact with his temple as he leaned against him gently, both of his hands now holding onto James’ own, his voice still somehow calm and soft as ever.

“On my count, okay?” 

God, when was this going to end? 

“Take a deep breath…”

His head was pounding; he swore he was about to lean over the edge of the bed and throw up everywhere.

“1,2,3...push!”

And then...there it was. The crying.

There SHE was. 

James figures that Aleks saw her first, because as soon as he’d finished pushing he had collapsed back onto his pillows, gasping back shallow breaths of air as he kept his eyes shut, feeling sweat roll down his temples as he did. There was a beat, and then the unmistakable sound of crying, and he heard Aleks gasp in his ear, his grip tightening on James’ now limp hand. His eyelids felt heavy as lead, and he kept inhaling through his nose as he slowly lifted his head up, tilting his head down towards his chest to blink slowly downward, finally making eye contact with the writhing, crying baby in Lindsey’s arms.

And Jesus Christ, if James hadn’t known what love felt like before that moment, he surely did now.

He barely knew what was happening; he’d never really experienced tunnel vision before, but this had to be it. He was all eyes for his baby, for his daughter, the one that Lindsey had so happily announced was a little girl and before he could realize what was happening the child was on his chest, his hands scrambling upward to hold onto her tiny body.

“Keep her close, you’ll keep her warm…” James was sure his heart was bound to burst from his chest at any moment now as he sat up a bit, instinctively pulling her closer. Her small head, covered with dark brown hair was resting against his fevered skin, still crying loudly. He blinked rapidly, his large hand cupping her back gently as he kept her close, his other hand reaching up to delicately stroke the top of her head, feeling himself shake slightly. 

“Aleks...Aleks, she’s here…” James managed to tilt his head up a bit, turning to face the man and immediately felt his face soften, taking in Aleks’ demeanor. 

He was all eyes for the baby, his mouth slightly open in what James could only assume was shock. He had this look about him that he’d never quite seen on him before; pure adoration mixed with happiness and love, so much fucking love that his eyes looked like they were drowning in it. 

James turned his head back down, gently moving the still squirming baby against his chest in an attempt to begin to soothe her. “Shhh, it’s okay...you’re okay, I know it’s scary out here...but we’ve got you, I promise…” She still had a bit of blood in her hair after her hasty clean up and James reached up to delicately wipe it off, his hand bumping into Aleks’ pale one. 

He looked up just in time to see Aleks leaning forward slightly, reaching his finger towards her cheek. He ran the side of it against her soft skin, swallowing thickly as he tilted his head to the side slightly. 

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in the world.” 

James had never heard Aleks say something so wonderful in his entire life. 

Anna retrieved the baby shortly after, reassuring them that she’d be back as soon as she was properly checked up on. James barely had her out of his arms before Aleks was throwing himself at him, his arms wrapped around his shoulders and back as he all but leapt into the bed beside him. 

“Jesus Christ James, that was amazing!” James managed to hug him back for a brief moment before Aleks pulled away again, taking his face into his hands and grinning happily at him.

“You did so well, the whole night! God, I couldn’t believe it, you just kept going and you were so strong and then everything started happening so fast, and then you were pushing and pushing and then she was here, she’s here and she’s beautiful and I can’t believe she’s ours and I think I’m in love with you!” 

James could see the exact moment Aleks had fucked up. He watched his dark eyes widen as soon as the last sentence slipped out, his mouth staying open for a split second before he hastily closed it again, dropping his hands from his face like they had suddenly been burned. James was sure that Lindsey and Anna had heard; the only sound in the room was the soft whimpering of their daughter at the other end of it. 

Aleks’ words wracked his brain like a manic kid, wreaking havoc and tearing down his walls. He stared back at Aleks, into those dark eyes he’d gotten lost in so many times before, taking in his shocked physique and worried face. 

It didn’t make sense. 

He found himself shaking his head slowly, watching Aleks’ demeanor fall as he did. “That can’t be right,” he murmured, his own voice shocking him. It wavered slightly, like he were on the verge of tears and James finally realized his eyes were stinging. 

Aleks’ brow furrowed at that, opening his mouth to speak but James cut him off. 

“You can’t love me. Not after this year. Not after all of the hell I put you through.” Aleks merely stared painfully at him, watching as James’ words continued to spew from his mouth like vomit.

“You didn’t kill Joe, that was never your fault and never could’ve been and I just threw it all on you. I dumped that on you because I didn’t know how to handle losing my best friend and that’s not fair, that’s not what normal people do to others.” He stopped to sniffle, his cheeks growing damp with tears but still he pushed on.

“I gave you the cold shoulder, I excluded you out of everything because I was such an idiot, Aleks, I was so fucking stupid and I threw away everything we had and it makes me sick thinking about all of the pain I caused you and there’s just no fucking way in hell that you can sit there and say you’re in love with me when I gave you the worst year of your life.” 

He finally stopped then, his voice trailing off shakily as he sniffled again, reaching his hands up to wipe his eyes and cheeks, taking a deep breath that hurt his chest. When he looked back up Aleks was still there, sitting on the edge of the bed and still staring him down. His face was softer, though; his eyes glistened slightly as he kept his gaze locked on James, seeming to analyze him for a few moments more before he turned his head towards the other side of the room, lifting his hand and pointing it towards the girls. 

“You just gave me the best thing that’s ever happened to me. How can I not be in love with you after that?” 

And yeah, maybe James started crying all over again. 

There were many more hugs and many more sweaty, wet and teary kisses exchanged. James’ hands couldn’t stay off of Aleks’ face; Aleks’ hands couldn’t stay out of James’ hair. They seemed to all blur together in one huge wave of love, one that made James’ entire body feel warm and happy and calm for the first time in months. 

Aleks was to James’ left after awhile, curled into his side like it was made just for his body and holding onto his hand with both of his own once more, the two of them sharing the bed again just as they’d done hours before. James was finally able to breathe again; his body ached horribly and he was pretty sure he’d never been so exhausted in his entire life but none of that mattered now.

All that mattered was the tiny little bundle in Anna’s arms, the one that was now on her way to James. 

He felt Aleks sit up at his side, giving him room to move as he met Anna halfway across the bed, taking his baby in his arms and pulling her back slowly towards his chest, feeling his back make contact with the pillows as he sat back down. 

She was all clean now, her cheeks a light pink color and her nose tiny and round on her delicate face. She had more hair than James had remembered, thick and dark and covering the top of her head evenly. Her eyelids were struggling to stay open, long eyelashes casting shadows across her face as she blinked slowly up at James with large, brown eyes. 

He had no idea what he’d done to deserve her in this life, but thank God he did. 

Aleks’ chin was on his shoulder, sighing softly in admiration as he took her in once more, a big smile on his lips. “Her eyes are a perfect copy of yours, James. She really looks just like you.” James watched him reach his hand up to gently stroke her hair, running his thumb along her head gently before he turned his head to face him. 

“You haven’t gotten a chance to hold your daughter yet, Aleksandr.” James saw panic fly across his face for a split second, pulling his hand away before he turned and met James’ eyes. 

“I just...you’re a natural at it, I don’t want to upset her…” James shook his head in response.

“There’s no way, she’s already loves you. Look at the way she’s staring at you.” And it was true; their daughter was nothing but eyes for Aleks now, seeming to have forgotten her sleepy demeanor from before. She blinked her large eyes in his direction, moving her hands slightly amongst her blanket before James was sitting up again, leaning over and gently lowering her down before Aleks had a chance to protest again. 

She fit fucking perfectly. James couldn’t believe how easily she rested herself in his arms, her head making contact with his bicep as he kept her up. James heard him inhale deeply, looking up in time to see his head tilt slightly to the side, shaking his head slowly.

“I can’t believe we made this. I can’t believe that she’s half of me and half of you and she’s here and alive and healthy and real…” James smiled at that, taking his turn to rest his chin on Aleks’ shoulder as he looked back down at their daughter, who was well on her way to falling asleep. 

“Me either…” he murmured, falling silent for a moment as the two of them just watched her. James reached up and fixed her blanket slightly, pulling it down from her face a bit before he turned his head slightly so that Aleks could better hear him. “I uh...I kind of picked out a name for her. Well, this was when I was still pregnant but, now that she’s here...I know that it’ll work.” 

Aleks turned his head up slightly, looking up to meet his eyes as he smiled. “Oh yeah?” he replied happily, turning his head back to look down at her once more. “Let me hear it.” 

James sat up a bit, pulling his chin off of his shoulder so that he could better see him, staring at his profile for a moment before speaking. “I want to name her after your mother.” 

He watched Aleks’ face carefully; he pressed his lips together, falling silent as he kept his eyes locked on the baby in his arms, his facing seeming to cloud with a thousand different emotions at once. James saw his Adam’s apple bob slightly as he swallowed, and then suddenly his cheeks were shiny again, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks as he nodded slowly, sniffling a bit. 

“That’s perfect…” he murmured, his voice cracking slightly and all James could do was lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek, sliding his arms around his waist and just holding him there, hoping that somehow Aleks knew that he had no intent on letting go of him again.

They stayed like that for awhile, the three of them in the king sized bed as the night grew later. James thought about where he’d been at 24 hours before; anxious, in pain, unsure of what he was going to do when time came for her to come. That felt like centuries ago, faded and in the past. 

Now she was here, and she was beautiful and James was sure he was never going to love someone or something else more in his entire life. He had no idea he was capable of loving anything this much in his entire life, but now everytime he looked down at the bundle in Aleks’ arms he felt his chest swell with pure adoration. 

The door opened later on in the evening, and James looked up to find Anna and Lindsey’s solemn faces. 

“It’s time for her to go,” they murmured softly, and James frowned at them, sitting up suddenly. 

“What do you mean go?” he retorted, but they didn’t seem to hear him. James felt his stomach churn with nausea as Anna crossed the room, leaning down and taking the baby from Aleks’ arms, who showed no sign of protest, befre turning her back without a word. 

And James was yelling, screaming at the top of his lungs but no one seemed to hear him. Not even Aleks was looking at him; he’d started crying again, his face buried into his palms and his back shaking with each sob he took. 

James couldn’t even move now, his body screaming at him to get out of bed and run, flee the room and get his daughter back, he just wanted his baby girl back in his arms. 

He woke up in a cold sweat, jolting up out of bed and gasping for air. 

The room was dark, his eyes struggling to adjust to the sudden change as his chest rose and fell rapidly, taking deep breaths through his nose. His body felt hypersensitive, his skin tingling uncomfortably as he pressed his palms further into the mattress.

They weren’t in Florida anymore; they hadn’t been in weeks. It was September now, and they were somewhere up north. 

James swallowed thickly, finally moving his hands off the bed and into his lap. He ran his thumb instinctively over the small tattoo on his inner left wrist, closing his eyes for a moment.

He felt Aleks move at his side, refusing to look up from the spot he’d picked on the comforter to stare at, despite the fact that it was too dark to see it. After a moment, his hand came to rest on James’ shoulder, rubbing up and down his upper arm gently.

“I had a dream earlier, too...haven’t been able to fall asleep since.” James closed his eyes at that, letting out a slow breath from his nose, his shoulders slumping forward slightly.

“I’m sorry…” he murmured, and he felt Aleks press a kiss to his cheek gently. 

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault. We’re just...we’re still healing. It’s gonna take some time.” James nodded slowly at that, opening his eyes again before lifting his head.  
“You’re right…” Aleks ran his hand down James’ arm and found his hand, squeezing it gently for a moment as silence fell between them once more. 

It still wasn’t fair; nothing about this was ever going to be fair, but...she was gone. And that was that. 

James pulled Aleks’ hand to his lips and kissed the top of it gently before shifting in the bed and laying back down, pulling his blankets back up. Aleks followed suit, getting himself comfortable before gravitating towards James’ side, slipping his arms around his waist as James kept him close, staring at the ceiling as he felt Aleks’ head fall to rest against his chest. 

There was a few more moments of quiet, the only noise the sound of the ceiling fan above them. 

“I miss her, James.” Aleks’ voice was soft and quiet, seeming to echo in the dark room, his words heavy with the weight of all the pain he’d been carrying since July. 

James sighed softly again, moving his hand up towards his boyfriend’s head and beginning to run his fingers through his blonde hair. 

“Me too, Aleks...me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you made it ! good for you! :) 
> 
> i really hope everyone liked this, even if that ending was a doozie. i just couldn't help myself.
> 
> as always, leave comments if you liked it or hated it, and kudos as well! 
> 
> thank you to each and every single person that continues to read my writing, i love all of you so much.

**Author's Note:**

> you actually finished it! kudos to you!  
> if you absolutely loved it or hated it let me know in the comments, i wanna hear from everyone.  
> my twitter @ is playthetyrants, my tumblr is uberhaxorslut, attack me there as well.  
> from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for putting up with me and my mediocre writing.
> 
> ALSO if you feel so inclined, my ko-fi is here :) https://www.ko-fi.com/playthetyrants


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